Run, Fat Mom, Run!

Time to say goodbye to this blog...

2009-12-30T19:06:00.000-08:00

But don't worry...I'm starting a new one. A better one. One that merges all of my many many blogs into one. See you there?

Jogging in a Winter Wonderland

2009-12-22T10:20:00.000-08:00

Snowing today - mixing new snow with old crunchy snow

Well, it's officially winter and baby, it's cold outside. I have always thought that cold weather meant indoor running but I just really hate treadmills. My husband is the same way and has taken the lead by getting some warm weather gear and continuing to run out of doors even when it's cold. So I got myself some new pants and got back out there. I have been surprised these last couple weeks to find that running in the cold actually isn't that bad as long as you've got the right stuff.

First off, I am not a fancy runner nor do I own much fancy running gear. A few weeks back I got some Nike fleece pants at a Smith's Grocery Store and they work great. I think they were meant for moms to run errands in but they are cozy and warm and light all at the same time. Next I got a fleece top from Costco. Once again - not fancy. It's really thin and you'd think you wouldn't stay warm in it but it works really well - last night it was in the low 20's and I was perfectly warm. Underneath that I'm wearing a t-shirt my husband got in a race. It's made of slippery fabric to make you think it's a technical tee but it's not. Then I wear a fleece hat I got at the thrift store for 50 cents. On my hands I've got those two dollar gloves you see sold EVERYWHERE. I am pretty cozy when I go out except for my face - my cheeks are so dang cold for the first mile or so. Last night I put on a fabric headband and wore it underneath my chin and up over my cheeks to the top of my head. I looked like Jacob Marley in A Christmas Carol but it actually worked. And hey, it was dark and cold and no one was out so what do I care?

Speaking of which, no one was out and it was quiet and dark and I could just run by the Christmas lights. It was one of the best runs I've ever had. I left the house uptight, cranky, and tired and by the end of my run I was loose, happy, and energized. My only complaint was for my neighborhood peeps who don't shovel their sidewalks which makes them so so slippery so that I have to climb over the piles of plowed snow to run on the road until I find a shoveled sidewalk. So, shovel those sidewalks people!

And as an update, I'm really glad I got Ashley to come up with some training plans for me. They are really detailed and great and take the guessing out for me. I'll write a whole post about that in a few days...

Until then...Merry Christmas!

post script
It has been snowing all day and it looked so lovely that I decided I would go running early so I could run during the snowstorm. And...it wasn't nearly as dreamy as I thought it was going to be. I couldn't see the ground so sometimes it would look flat but there was bumpy chunky ice underneath so I nearly rolled each ankle like 3 times. Oh well...I think I need to put some screws in my shoes...

p.p.s. This is not my usual hat - my four year old borrowed my fleece one so I dug this old one out of my closet. Just so you know that I know that this hat isn't fleece...

The times they are a changin...

2009-12-11T10:31:00.000-08:00

So, this week I lost 2.5 pounds! I am excited because I haven't been losing more than one pound a week for a long time. I included my weight loss chart from WW - it shows how long it's taken for me to lose 25 pounds! Since I didn't do much different this week I am hoping that it is a sign that my hormones are starting to normalize and allow me to lose more fat - when I'm breastfeeding my body seems to hold on to weight and my 7 month old weaned himself a couple weeks ago.

And in other news I have gotten myself a trainer. Remember Kristi and her sister who is a trainer? Well, I am doing a photography trade with her sister Ashley for some help. She doesn't live near me so she is going to give me a schedule to help me get ready for the half marathon I am doing in April and to help me lose all my weight by my 10th anniversary at the end of April. That is going to be tough but I believe that with her help I can do it! I have 32 pounds to lose to be to my goal of 130 pounds. So, did all of you just do the math in your heard to see how much I weigh? That's ok, I just don't want to have to write it or say it out loud.

She is sending me my schedule on Monday and she told me to get myself a ball and some bands from Target. I'm so stoked!

Can someone please get me this t-shirt?

2009-12-01T20:33:00.000-08:00

Tonight I went to body pump again and it was a really great workout - like my arms can barely hold themselves up enough to type kind of great workout. But the whole time as my too tight t-shirt kept crawling up my belly and my too loose pants kept falling below my too tight panties I desperately wanted to turn to the tiny girls next to me and tell them the whole story of why I was so chubby. Oh well, I'll get over it - by losing the weight.

Dang that wind!

2009-11-21T08:03:00.000-08:00

Today I was really excited to go running. I thought I'd go further, faster, and have more fun. I mean it - I really felt that. I got my ipod stocked with some good tunes, put on my new gloves, and not to mention I got 9 hours of sleep. Seriously - I went to bed at 10:30 PM and didn't have to get up until 7:30 PM. Thank you children! Anyhow, I went out and it was going well until it was time to turn around - and the BAM! the wind hit. I knew it was gonna be bad because it was literally pushing me on the way out, but I had no idea it was going to be so bad. It was like crazy wind - like, spit in the wrong direction and you are in trouble wind. So I died on the way back. Bring on that snow storm, crazy wind!

But in other news, I'm doing pretty well. I'm working my mileage up and my knees are doing better. I have to stretch for like 10 full minutes beforehand and then have my knees taped and then watch my form but it's working. I'm still not running very far but I'm trying not to think about it. I'm staying positive. Though the other day I saw some girls status on facebook say she lost 4 pounds last week. And it was hard not to get discouraged. Though I haven't been doing weight watchers for real. I need to update my credit card with them and in the mean time I've been slacking on that end. Oh well, at least it's going down slowly rather than not at all. As soon as my mileage increases again I'm sure it will speed up. I am sure of it.

p.s. I realized one of my goals on here was to be in the 130's by Christmas and that there is NO way I'll be there unless I don't eat anything until then - literally I'd have to stop eating all together to be there. So I got a little discouraged but then I decided to screw that and not worry about it. So I took that off my goals. I've decided not to give myself dated deadlines for weight. And in other news, Asher just weaned himself so I'm free! Maybe that will help a little too.

The reason for the season...

2009-11-10T14:25:00.000-08:00

I don't know about you but talking to Kristi has sure inspired me. I am more committed to my running. Just hearing that she bought some pants that were loose only four weeks later keeps echoing in my head every time I am tempted not to get out the door in the morning or to quit watching my diet. I'm glad of it. And running in the morning has been great too.

And for fun I thought I'd share this image of me and my two youngest - the reason I got myself so chubby in the first place. And they're worth every pound!

Fat Mom Success Story - Kristi

2009-11-08T17:37:00.000-08:00

I have this beautiful friend Kristi who recently lost a bunch of weight by eating less and running! I was so inspired I asked her if I could do a little interview. Here it is...

Me: Tell me your story.

Kristi: I think that what happened is that I got a real job – you know you get married and you get a real job and you stop doing the things you do. I got out of my routine - my healthy lifestyle routine. And then when you're poor – you know, eating veggies and fruit – that's expensive. So when you're young and poor you start eating bad alternatives.

Me: Did it happen slowly?

Kristi: Ya, you gain five pounds and then another five pounds. And then you turn into that person. You just kinda wake up and say to yourself, "How did I get here?" And I would work on it for like three months and then give up and then start over again six months later – but then five years passed. I was just looking for a quick fix.

Me: What was the breakthrough moment?

Kristi: When I saw this picture of myself and I thought, “Who are you?” And also I ran into an old friend at Disneyland and she looked so good and then I wondered if someone saw me would they even recognize me? Would I recognize myself? Then who am I? So I said to myself, "That's it – this is the year I will finally change it." I made a goal to be healthy, not to lose weight. It was easier and simpler. I also thought I couldn't let myself down since healthy is really broad. So I set small goals like "change the way I eat" and "stop eating after 7 PM" and "exercise". That was it really.

Me: When you say change the way i eat what did that mean?

Kristi: Eat more vegetable, more protein, and less carbs. I also cut soda. Before I was drinking maybe 1 a day which is like an extra 160 calories.

Me: And did it work right away?

Kristi: It actually didn't not right away but I knew if I kept doing it something would work. It was prob 2 months before I noticed. I wasn't weighing myself so it took me a while to realize the results. My clothes fit differently and i wasn't so "bulgy".

Me: Were you exercising at this time?

Kristi: Only walking for maybe 30 min at a even pace.

Me: You did this for two months?

Kristi: Yes, through November and December of 2008 then Ashley(her sister) came for New Year's and my goals changed.

Me: Ashley is a personal trainer?

Kristi: Yes she's really great at it. She helped me set goals and gave me pointers and exercises. She taught me basic pilates mat excercises and yoga, weight training and cardio programs.

Me: And so what did she suggest for you?

Kristi: One thing that she sent was the self cha llenge. I'm a believer in self magazine now. They have great cardio and weight training programs for you to follow spice up your work outs. And that's when i began running. I started out slow. I was basically walking fast and going maybe 2 miles. It took me a while to build up my stamina so I would work on my endurance with "hard days" and and easy days and interval training. My "hard" day(Monday) I would run 3 miles no matter what - coughing, sputtering, it was my goal and I was going to do it. Then I would take it easy and do 2 miles on Tuesday. Then to increase my pace I would do an interval training on Wednesday. And then Thursday 3 miles and Friday 2 miles. Then I took the weekend off but would usually end up doing a fun run - whatever I wanted for however long or fast just so it was fun.

Me: That's a great idea!

Kristi: By mid February I was in love with runnning but then I got injured.

Me: Tell me about your injury - how did it start?

Kristi: I have low arches and I've been told that's what causes shin splints. So I had very bad shin splints and strained my arches. I didn't see a doctor, I just went to the runnning store instead and they helped me with the tape. I was told not to run for 2 weeks but I was too afraid to stop and lose my momentum so I just ran through it. And I'm glad I did. When I felt better in March I increased my hard days to 4 miles and my easy days to a 5k. That's the same for me now i haven't changed it since.

Me: Tell me about the weight loss.

Kristi: After running for 1 month it just started falling off. I decided to get new pants and in 4 weeks they didn't fit - it was a great problem. I think it was the combined diet and exercise. The no eating after 7 thing is really important and the most difficult. I actually got around it by putting in bleach trays at 7 PM. I couldn't eat with them in so it was killing 2 birds with 1 stone. I'm still trying to improve but I'm pretty happy with my results so far. I wish I could say it's easy but I can say it's well worth the effort.

Me: You look amazing! So, all in all, how long did it take?

Kristi: I want to say 10 months

Me: So, what now?

Kristi: Keep working - I want to be healthy. I want to be an example of health to my family. I want my boys to find a sport they love and we can share together. Being healthy brings us closer. I'm going to start a new regimen soon.

Me: Well, that is one inspiring story Kristi!

Kristi: Thank you!

Updater...

2009-10-24T19:26:00.000-07:00

So since I last posted and said my knees were hurt and I was going to swim and do the elliptical I have done that a total of zero times. I don't know what it is but running is the only thing that motivates me. So I've run a couple times and I'm starting to feel pretty optimistic about that. I got some KT tape as Kristi mentioned using on her foot and it is AWESOME. It totally alleviates the pain and unless I run downhill, I have no pain. Though my shoes make it really hard to run with a natural stride. More on that later...

But I'm still losing weight thanks to weight watchers. I decided last week that the online WW wasn't enough so I'm paying a little extra to be able to actually go to meetings. I want to talk to other women who are doing the same thing as me once a week and get motivation. And I want to know that some woman is going to weigh me once a week - that's pretty motivating.

So, I need new shoes because when I run with my shoes on I am constantly trying to have correct form but it's really hard to and yet barefoot my pain is almost gone. But I just know there's NO way I'm going to go running barefoot when it's 30 degrees outside. Which it's only weeks away from being. So, I went to a local running store and had them record my cadence with a camera while I jogged on a treadmill only to have them tell me I needed the shoes I already have. No thanks. Been there - doesn't work. So, I'm kind of stuck...any advice on that front?

Till next time...

JEAN STRETCHES

2009-10-10T19:08:00.000-07:00

Today was a big day. A day I have been anticipating for quite some time. I got new jeans - a size smaller at that. And when these get too big I can actually start fitting into some of my normal sized pants - albeit my bigger ones - still, my NORMAL pants. And that also means that I got to throw out three pairs of "clown" pants. So, I am very pleased. And for the first time I am starting to feel slightly normal sized. When I went into the grocery store today instead of feeling like a chubby mom I just felt like a mom. And I haven't felt that way in nearly TWO YEARS!!!
The actual experience of buying them was actually pretty stressful. I tried to prepare myself in advance because if you buy the jeans that fit just right at the store then they'll be too big within a couple hours of wearing them, at least in my opinion. So I knew I'd need to buy jeans that are tighter than normal which takes a leap of faith - that eventually they'll fit just right. And it took me forever - and I think I even got a little sweaty in the decision making process. But alas - I chose correctly and they fit perfectly within a half hour of putting them on plus a little help from my jean stretches. I had to laugh recently when I read on a friend's blog about the necessity of jean stretching in her life right now too. I've added some pictures to illustrate my just out of the wash jean stretching routine.

JEAN STRETCHES

First, bend your knees and push back forcing your bum out behind you like you are about to sit down. This is the first stretch I do and since I've got a big bum - it's my most important stretch.

Next, push one leg way out to the side and lean over towards that side. Then repeat with the other side.

If your jeans are feeling a little tight through the knee and lower leg region, bend your knee and grab your foot with the corresponding arm and hold for 10 seconds. Repeat with the opposite side.

And after completing these stretches your jeans still feel too tight repeat the stretches and then wear them for several days. And make a note next time to hang dry this pair.

p.s. Don't think I only have a little left to lose...I still have over 30 pounds to go so...it was just a good day but nowhere close to the destination.

In knee-d

2009-10-04T11:21:00.000-07:00

So periodically I have mentioned that I have knee pain. Well, of late it has become really bad. Like where I do a sort of sad limp run in my workouts. Mike convinced me to take some time off but I hate it. Not because I'm some turbo runner but because I'm terrified of losing the little momentum I've got. But it hurts so bad I feel like I have no other choice for now.

During this little break from jogging I've been reading up on knee problems and trying to figure out exactly what is going on. And I think I've got "runner's knee"and I've realized this is something I've had for a long time. Like I thought it was normal that after you sit on the couch for a while, like while watching a movie, for your knees to get stiff and painful so that you can't stand up straight right away. And I thought it was normal for your knees to hurt when you keep them bent too long at night when you are sleeping. Or to hurt any time they are bending. And I realized I always walk down the stairs kind of sideways to avoid bending me knees too much. And I honestly don't know how long this has been going on. Maybe it started with that first pregnancy a while back and I just chalked it up as a pregnancy pain. I'm not really sure.

So here I am. I know I've got runner's knee but I don't know how to correct the problem. I don't think rest will solve the problem. I need to strengthen my legs so that the load on my knees isn't so great. AND I need to lose weight. I have no doubt that the added weight is a big contributor to the problem. And I need to stretch better so that my legs aren't pulling in strange directions during my runs because the muscles are tight. And hopefully after the break from jogging, which I am replacing with swimming and the elliptical, the pain will be gone - or at least minimal.

But how long am I supposed to break for? I was thinking maybe I could just take a couple really slow really short runs in the mean time as long as the pain is really low. I just don't know. Maybe I should go to the doctor? But I have a few fears with that. First that he will take a look at my chubby body and say, "Well, anyone your size is going to have a lot of problems with running so you can't anymore." OR that he'll say, "I'm not finding anything. You just must be a wimp." OR "You sure don't look like you run. You obviously just want to get out of having to." I don't know. We'll see.

Anyone else have this issue?

Before and during...

2009-10-03T14:06:00.000-07:00

The other day I hit a big milestone for me. I have been trying to get down into the next ten pound bracket for like a month now and finally I did it. So I decided to go ahead and take another photo. Not an after photo but a during photo since I still have about 35 pounds to lose. Remember how I took this before photo a little over two months ago but it was so bad I wouldn't post it? Well, here it is. Since this time I haven't lost a ton of weight. About 10 pounds. So, here I am, wearing the same clothes and standing in the same place. The walls have been painted. Also, when I saw the picture I realized that my breasts are TOTALLY uneven. Oh well.

Dangit!

2009-09-24T12:29:00.000-07:00

Why did I sign up for this race?!!!! I am going to be DEAD LAST! My mile time on a good day is 12 minutes! I am so stinking slow...

DANGIT!

No more guessing...

2009-09-21T10:26:00.001-07:00

Did I tell you that for the last month I haven't really been doing my weight watcher's? Well, I haven't. I thought I was doing it but didn't feel like recording it and then at the end of a day when I figured I'd stayed in my point range I would record it and see I was way over - sometimes as much as 20 points. And that was on days when I thought I was doing well. So, I am back to being rigid with the system. And it seems to be helping. I also made a new rule to weigh myself every day. Before I said that checking once a week was better but I found myself playing games - knowing that friday was my weigh in day I would eat poorly over the weekend telling myself I had the work week to get back to business but in the end that just made my progress slower. So now, no more games - I'm checking every day to keep focused. And hopefully by Christmas I will fit back into at least some of my clothes...

p.s. Is how slow my progress is boring you?

Weight Watchers on Running...

2009-09-19T09:41:00.000-07:00

Here's a great article from the Weight Watcher's site that I thought I'd share...

Always wanted to try running? Go for it: It's a great way to boost your workout when you've reached a rut, and it's fun!

Tawni never thought she could run a marathon. In fact she never thought she could run a single stride. "It never occurred to me," she recalls. "I thought I was too fat."

Tawni, a 33-year-old San Franciscan, tried one fad diet after another. But it wasn't until 10 years ago that she began to add consistent exercise to her regimen. "Before that I was sitting on my butt," she confesses. "Domino's Pizza was on my speed dial. That's not a good sign."

She started on the road to fitness the way most women do: by walking. But after about a year, she started thinking she needed something more. One day she heard some friends talking about running on the treadmill at 4 miles an hour. That was about how fast I was walking," Tawni says. "It had never occurred to me to run. I remember a light bulb turning on in my head."

She decided to pick up the pace, and immediately felt the difference. That was three years and two marathons ago. Tawni has transformed her life, and her figure, through running.

And she's not alone: Participation in running events — from the 5K race (3.1 miles) to the marathon (26.2 miles) — has grown steadily over the years. Many declare we are in the midst of a second running boom, and, unlike the original boom in the 1970s, this one isn't fueled by middle-age men emulating Olympians, but by middle-age women inspired by their new health.

Instead of running for competition or medals, today's runner is more likely to run for health, weight maintenance, self-confidence and fun. They've discovered what researchers have confirmed: Running is one of the best ways to burn calories and strengthen your cardiovascular system. It can also help lower the risk of many diseases, including breast cancer, stroke, and high blood pressure. And it can help boost levels of self-esteem and reduce stress.

Of course, if you're a walker, these statistics are no reason to abandon walking, especially since the above benefits apply to you as well. But running can give you an exercise intensity boost.

Ready, set, go
Get an OK from your doctor before you begin. You'll need precious few things:

Comfortable, light shorts
A T-shirt
A supportive bra
Good shoes. You don't have to buy the most expensive pair in the store, but plan to invest in supportive, stable shoes that can carry you for a mile or more. Shop at a specialty store, or at least where the salespeople are knowledgeable and can help you find the right pair

Shoes laced?
Before you give running a try, work up to a point when you can walk briskly for 30 minutes nonstop. The idea here is to gradually progress from walking/running to running. Don't worry about speed: Running is not sprinting. It is not done at a breathless, my-heart-is-going-to-explode-at-any-minute pace.

But it is more demanding, especially at first, than many other forms of aerobic activity. Just try to maintain a conversational pace (meaning that you can carry on a conversation while you run). Be conscious of proper running form:

Look ahead as you run, not at the ground (this will help you maintain good posture)
Keep your upper body upright. Don't slouch
Bend your arms at a 90-degree angle. Your arm swing should extend from about the hip up to the middle of the chest. This will help keep you from getting too much side-to-side motion in your stride, a common problem among beginning female runners

Run together
One of the best ways to ensure the success of your running regimen is to run with someone else. Safety lies in numbers, plus, a running buddy can provide motivation and inspiration.

Remember: It's not just about losing weight, it's about gaining insight. It's not only about building a stronger heart, it also builds a stronger character. Particularly at first, running takes discipline and patience. But once you hit your stride, you won't look back.

I am healed!

2009-09-14T20:36:00.000-07:00

I have been nervous all weekend to run again. As you know, my last run was horrendous. So tonight after a great dinner of Thai Lobster Curry Soup at Zupa's and a nice thunderstorm I headed out. And it was fantastic. It was cool, wet, and dark and I had no ankle pain and very little knee pain. My oldest rode his bike next to me and we had a great time. And it was my fastest run yet. So, take that crazy hard run!

My Mount Doom Run...

2009-09-13T18:58:00.000-07:00

So this past Monday I went on a hike with my family through the mountains to Stewart Falls. And though the hike was beautiful and pretty easy at one point I thought I'd hotdog it and jump over a big tree that had fallen across the trail. Needless to say, it was a bad decision and on the other side instead of landing on flat ground my foot landed on the side of a rock and I slightly twisted my ankle.

Fast forward until yesterday and my long run. My ankle had been bothering me throughout the week but it was really bad yesterday. Pair that with the late afternoon heat and a lack of water and you've got the worst run of my life on your hands.

After the first mile and a half I was doing a sort of limping jog - which isn't really pretty to see or to do. And I was hot hot hot. And I just felt awful. As I made it to the half way point I had to stop and just breathe - my face felt like fire and my ankle and knee were both so tender. I wanted to quit at that point but I didn't see the use since I had so far to go still and we had to be somewhere shortly after my run.

As I climbed up and down the hills on my way home I couldn't help but think of The Lord of the Rings. Remember in the third book when Frodo and Sam are on Mount Doom and they are trying to make it to the top? And they really think they can't make it? They really think they are going to die but they just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other? That was my run. Already the pain of it is fading...though I still have a knot in my stomach when I think about it. Hopefully my ankle gets better really quick so that I don't have to miss any days next week...

Signed, sealed, almost delivered...

2009-09-11T14:35:00.000-07:00

I finally officially signed up for a race - meaning I payed and everything. Anyone want to join me? It's the Telos Turkey Tri in Orem....

So...I'm fat.

2009-09-07T21:08:00.000-07:00

Man, do you ever watch movies and after it's over have to realize you don't look like the main character in the movie? I do. Lately though, when I see a picture of myself I am reminded I don't look like my old self. You'd think by now I'd know what I look like but I try really really hard not to! Here's an image of me when I got home from my long run(which is only 4 miles) last Saturday. So, now you know...I'm still fat. And I'm really red and sweaty and ugly in this pic too. I wish I could find a recent pic the showed that I don't always look so terrible but I can't. Which is depressing and makes me wonder if I'll ever look better than this. I don't know why this surprises me though - I still have like 40 pounds to lose...

But it does. And I just want to crawl out of my flesh and into my old self and feel light and not take up so much universe. I want to be smaller. And just to make myself feel better...here's an old image of me when I wasn't fat. I LOVE looking at old pictures of me when I wasn't chubby. It helps me to visualize the idea of me being thin again. I also have cute hair, a cute sweater and make-up on in this pic. Which reminds me. I have been surprised as my mileage is going up at how much I am dealing with some serious demons. I am constantly fighting thoughts that I can't do it or actual unexplained fear. Isn't that strange? I have really figured that out yet...

p.s. I am grateful for a healthy body and for all of the other many blessings in my life. Just FYI. And someday I'll be as I was before...and I'll still think I'm fat.

A look at perfect form:

2009-08-31T19:46:00.000-07:00

Ok, so after reading Born to Run I am so in awe of ultramarathoners and trail runners. Here's a video of a guy who won the Leadville 100 miler in 2007. His form is perfect. I wish I ran like this:

My new "barefoot" shoes...

2009-08-29T05:14:00.000-07:00

It's funny to call them that since you aren't barefoot but it's as close as it gets, I guess. I wore them all afternoon and then on my run in the evening. They felt great - I was so happy to not have to worry about little pebbles stabbing me in the heel but I do have two little hot spots on the bottom of my big toes. I was expecting some blisters so I'm ok with that. They're called Vibram Five Fingers. Here's a shot from the side so you can see there isn't much there on the bottom. They fit really snug and and very light.

I thought this was a funny image - I look like a gray-footed hobbit or some sort of cyborg.

15 down - more to go...

2009-08-28T11:26:00.000-07:00

As of today I am 15 pounds lighter than when I started weight watchers. I am glad to see the loss but I have to admit I thought it would be a lot faster than it was. I guess I started May 8th. So that means it took me 3 1/2 months to lose that much. Above is the chart on the weight watchers site that tracks my weight. As you can see - that little trip to Idaho put a big kink in my progression. And was it worth the treats? No way. If I had just followed my regular progression I might be 5 to 10 pounds lighter right now. That's a lesson learned - I hope.

And now my mileage is going up. This next week I will run a total of 13.5 miles. That is about half of my first goal. I know once I am running 25 miles a week my weight loss with really be going.

I just finished "Born to Run" and it was soo good. I highly recommend that. I think I'll do a post about it in a couple days because it deserves it's own post. I am also planning on getting a pair of these. I'll let you know when I do.

And here's a current picture of me. I figured I should show what I look like. I still have 40 pounds to lose - can you believe that? My kids told me this morning that I'm somewhere between the yellow and green lady on top... And I was thinking of putting this photo on facebook and so I was playing around in photoshop and trying to make my arms skinnier. Once I finished my oldest said, "What don't you try it on your cheeks now?" Thanks.

p.s. I didn't put it on facebook - I always feel too sneaky skinnifying myself. If I don't like how I look, I just won't share it...

Three & Amigos

2009-08-24T18:41:00.000-07:00

So tonight I ran three miles and I realized that it's been almost three years since I've run that far. I'm ashamed to admit it and it makes me realize how much times flies. Let's see, I got pregnant in January of 2007 and I might have run that far after I got pregnant - probably. And then I lost that baby at the end of April and I didn't run more than a mile and a half again until a couple months ago. This is a picture of me just days after I lost that baby. So maybe not three years -maybe more like a little over two - but still. So, in a lot of ways, I'm back.

AND my brother came along. I sure do love having a running buddy. It makes the run so much easier because I get that girl talk time I so desperately crave as a mother of young kids...you know?

Barefoot running...

2009-08-16T21:14:00.000-07:00

So there is this not so new fad in running - barefoot running - and on Thursday while jogging with my new jogging partner Karen my knees were hurting. I was talking too much to focus on my form and so after the first mile I decided I was going to take my shoes off. And Karen did too - she's fun. And we ran the next mile with no shoes on. And guess what? My feet didn't hurt and my knee pain went away too! So the next night we went two miles again - the whole way sans shoes. Soo...the whole idea started when we heard the author of this book recommend running with your shoes off for a month or so to correct your form. I guess our shoes can cause us to run incorrectly. Anyhow, I'm going to get that book and I'll tell you more about the theories then. All I know is that my knees didn't hurt AT ALL on Friday and I'm going to run without shoes for the next little while...

p.s. We look like weirdos - two chubby girls running down the sidewalk barefoot...I think people must think we are strange newbies trying to be obnoxious.

2009-08-10T21:40:00.001-07:00

I swam a mile tonight!!!!!!!!!

Boo-cycle!

2009-08-04T21:19:00.000-07:00

Does anyone else hate bike riding? Well, not bike riding but stationary bike riding. I love my swimming, as you know, and I love my jogging, but I have yet to feel that for the bike. It hurts my bum and it's boring boring boring. I bet if I read a book on it or a blog or something it might get me excited about it. Any ideas?

p.s. Isn't that a great image?

the run of death...

2009-08-01T20:15:00.000-07:00

Tonight's run was death! I felt like I had to fight every urge inside my body just to keep going. I think it all started today when I went clothes shopping. That is not a good idea. I never like shopping for clothes but doing it while you're chubby is so depressing.

Also, I weigh EXACTLY what I weighed one month ago. It all came crashing down when I felt like I was losing my milk and then went out of town. I just feel like the wind went out of my sails and I lost some of my ferocity. But I have decided I am no longer going to focus so much on numbers and focus more on working up to 25 miles a week. I read once that you see real weight loss when you are running that much. It worked after I had Elijah. And since I ran about 7 miles this week I've got a ways to go! But I'm still doing my weight watcher's too.

Also, I'm not sure if I'm going to do that triathlon. Trust me, I want to but I picked it back when I thought we could stay at Mike's aunt's house in Kamas(where the race is) but since then his Grandma broke her hip and had to move into his aunt's house making no room for my family. I just don't know how we're going to drag the kids up there early that morning and have Mike watch all four boys during the race. And I can't leave them home since I have to breastfeed the baby. Bummer, eh? Hmm...we'll see.

Back on top...

2009-07-18T19:41:00.001-07:00

We went to Costco today and LOADED up on blueberries, raspberries, apples, bananas, oranges, peaches, peppers, and lettuce - which was the final shove I needed to burst OUT OF MY LULL! Hooray - feeling back on track again and happy! I love summer and all her treats!

Lull-a-bye

2009-07-16T20:22:00.000-07:00

So....I'm in a little bit of a lull. Trips always do this to me - they ruin my momentum. I eat poorly, miss a few workouts, gain a couple pounds and VOILA I'm bummed out and in a lull. So while in Idaho I gained a few pounds and this week I'm not making the kind of progress I want to. Instead I'm just trying to get back to where I was before the holiday. So that's two weeks lost. Bummer, eh?

Another thing putting me in a lull is the fact that I need to go to the grocery store. I don't have enough healthy choices around here so I get hungry and mad and end up hating weight watchers.

Put it together and what have you got? Me feeling more fat than ever. Isn't it horrible how we do that to ourselves? When we are having a hard time working out instead of getting all motivated we beat ourselves up and feel five times bigger than the day before. And for the record let me say that I HATE walking in and out of Gold's Gym. Seriously - at the grocery store I may be a normal pudgy young mom but at Gold's Gym I am a seriously overweight woman in her 40's. Ugh. Oh well, here's a comic strip to give you a laugh...

Fat mom swims...

2009-07-10T18:39:00.000-07:00

Sorry it has been a while since I last posted - my computer is broken. Tonight I am using Mike's laptop from work.

My workout today was to swim for 30 minutes and it felt great. As I was swimming I was thinking back to June when swimming was so difficult. I was doing mostly breaststroke because I couldn't barely make it across the pool doing free-style without choking and feeling like I was going to drown. Tonight I swam over a half a mile(1000 meters) and did the whole thing in free style! I even passed the guy in the lane next to me! I have really come to love swimming. I am happy when I see that I get to swim on my schedule. I love that my body doesn't hurt, that I stay nice and cool, and the rhythm of my breathing and the water splashing. Swimming is a good workout for fat moms...except the walk to and from the pool. I hate parading around in my swimsuit but once I'm in the water I'm ok. I am actually pretty proud of making so much progress in just one month.

In other news I just got back from a little trip we took for the 4th. And let me say that it is really hard to eat well when you are staying at some one else's house and eating their food. I ate terribly and I didn't get to all of my workouts either. But oh well, I'm just gonna have to take it in stride.

Right now my least favorite workouts are actually my running ones. I'm just so all over the place with my pace - though when I'm on the treadmill it does help. Hopefully those workouts become just as enjoyable as the swimming. I'm sure they will...in time.

Weight watcher's & breastfeeding

2009-06-29T07:41:00.000-07:00

Sometimes people give me a hard time about doing weight watchers and all this exercise while nursing. I don't know why they care so much but this last week my milk was really having a hard time in the evenings so it seemed maybe their concern was justified. But I still don't think it is. Let me share with you what I ate on Saturday so you can see how much I'm eating.

Breakfast:

1 medium banana

1/8 cup raisins

1/2 cup cooked steel cut oats

1 slice whole wheat bread

1/2 c fat-free milk

Lunch

2/3 c bowtie pasta with tomatoes, garlic & basil

1/4 c hummus

1 c carrots

1/2 c unsweetened applesauce

Dinner

Grilled chicken

2 cups iceberg lettuce

2 ounces cheese

1/2 c croutons

2 T lite ranch

a few bites of Andrew's cheeseburger

Snacks

Fruit leather

String cheese

samples at Costco

1 c whole grain chips

1/2 c hummus

1 c skim milk

So that is Saturday and I wasn't hungry and in my mind I ate plenty of food. I also drank at least 64 ounces of water. And while my milk was having a hard time in the evenings I just don't think it is from my diet/water intake. I heard that it can also be linked to sleep which if that's true my sleep was terrible this last week. I went to bed late and when I did fall asleep I was plagued by stressful dreams. So, I got myself some mother's milk tea and I'm drinking even more water and making sure I'm getting rest and we'll see if that helps. But really people, do you really think that this isn't enough food?

Before and can't wait until the after...

2009-06-25T09:52:00.000-07:00

This morning after I put on some jeans and a too-tight t-shirt and looked in the mirror and realized I looked terrible. Then I remembered that I've been meaning to take a "before" picture and that in this outfit would be a perfect time since just putting on some different clothes would make me look like I lost weight. Still though, it is me and I do look awful fat. Oh well, I'm just gonna forget about it for a while.

Did you want to see it? i posted it for like an hour but changed my mind... if you missed it you're gonna have to wait until it's truly a before...

Updates updates updates

2009-06-23T13:19:00.001-07:00

WEIGHT

So things are actually going pretty well. I didn't lose 3 lbs last week but I did lose 2.5 lbs. I have decided that it's probably not best to set a time limit for weight loss - at least one that specific because you really don't know what your body is going to do. Instead you should set the goal for your workouts/diet because that you can completely control. And I measured myself last week and I've lost two inches on my waist and some more on my chest/arms. That made me feel good.

WORKOUTS

My workouts are HARD but that has been really satisfying. Swimming kills me every time but last night I noticed that my times have improved considerably even though it's only been a couple of weeks. My main goal right now is to get my swimming workouts to be completely done in freestyle without stopping in between laps. At first I could only do one length in freestyle and then I switched to breaststroke for four lengths but last night I was able to do 4 lengths freestyle - two lengths breaststroke. So that made me happy. I also met a guy in the lane next to me last night who said he was running and lifting weights and wasn't seeing many results but he started swimming and lost 50 pounds! I hope he didn't see the sparkle in my eye when he said that - he now swims a mile twice a week. That's 64 lengths in the pool at Gold's Gym. I also am working towards my time on the treadmill to be jogging exclusively. Right now I'm doing a mix of walking and jogging. Last night I was on the treadmill for 25 minutes (followed by a swim) and I walked the first 15 minutes and jogged the next 10.

MOTIVATION

So motivation is always hard. My strategy right now has been to workout no matter what. Sometimes that gets hard like last Saturday Mike dropped me and my two oldest off at the gym while he went to the store. The thought being that they could play in the childcare while I rode the bike for 45 minutes. Unfortunately after Mike dropped me off and drove away we found out that childcare was closed so we had to sit there for 55 minutes doing nothing until Mike got back. And let me tell you there wasn't a bone in my body that wanted to drive home, drop off my family, and go back to the gym! But I went home, ate dinner, fed the baby, and went back. In the past I NEVER would have done that. I would have thought, "Hey, I TRIED to workout but it got screwed up!" But no more excuses this time. Excuses are what make you fat. Like, "It's not that big of a deal to eat at McDonald's tonight - besides, I am so busy with the two babies I deserve it!" Watching Biggest Loser made me realize that every workout and every day matters when it comes to obtaining your goals on the scale.

FUTURE PLANS

So I am totally stoked because next year I am going to run in the Wasatch Back. Have you heard of it? It's a RAGNAR relay race from Logan to Park City and you run it on a team of 12 people. Marisa and I decided we're not gonna let another year pass without us being on a team so...YAY!

IN THE END

I owe soooo much to my husband Mike. He is a huge support because it's not easy for anyone when every evening I leave for at least an hour and he stays home with the kids. He NEVER complains and is always so positive and supportive. And any time I say anything like, "I am so big, look at my belly!" He always says, "Don't worry, it won't last forever." Which is exactly what I want to hear. I know he doesn't get the luxury to leave and work out like I do and I owe him big time for that.

p.s. Am I boring you?

p.p.s. Here's a training program for next year's Wasatch Back - it's for beginners.

A no-brainer

2009-06-19T07:26:00.000-07:00

Last night I went to power-pump and it was ridiculously hard. Once again I was by far the fat one in class only this time I couldn't get the spot with no mirrors by it so I had to see myself every once in a while. And I had to use my new motto when it comes to losing weight -

"Don't THINK about it - just DO it."

Because I can THINK of all sorts of reasons not to exercise or do this or that and if I THINK about it too much I get depressed or angry or all sorts of things so I just have to completely turn my brain off and not think. I am constantly fighting all of my thoughts - like having my finger in the hole in a dam. It's like I'm trying to hold off temptation - I've put up a lead wall in between me and my brain when it comes to my body, my weight, and my training program. In the past when I'd be getting in shape again I'd have days that my baby would wake up all night long -like the night before last - and I'd THINK, "Ok, so I don't have to exercise as hard or at all today." This time I can't afford those thoughts. Or the thoughts, "You are so fat, how did you ever let this happen?" Luckily when I want to take my finger out of the hole in the dam, Mike is there to reinforce me. He helps me to not worry about it, stop thinking, and just do it. I can't hold my brain off forever but I need to hold it off at least until I see some results and then I'll have the fuel to turn it off again. And that strategy is really helping.

2009-06-15T06:39:00.000-07:00

So, I wanted to lose 3 pounds...how much did I end up losing? ZERO. None. Nothing.

Ugh. Oh well. This week was probably a bad week to start this 3 pound weight loss since it was my birthday and of course I gave myself a cheat day for that. And boy did I cheat. Last night I asked Mike to give me a pep talk. I realized that I am terrified of working really hard at the gym, eating well, and not losing any weight. I am terrified of being powerless to lose the weight. Hopefully this next week I see big strides. I just want to know I am in control. I just don't want it to be out of my hands. You know?

Highs & Lows

2009-06-14T13:57:00.000-07:00

So, Saturday was a harder day for me. It all started during my workout. I was scheduled to ride the bike for 35 minutes and it wasn't too hard except that the seat was waaaay uncomfortable on the upright bike. And though I'd like to claim that was because it was a cheap or poorly built bike, I know the real reason is because my bum is too big for the seat.

After that I got home and was helping Mike move a mirrored cabinet and part of the time he was moving it I just got to stare at my reflection. While being forced to look at myself I realized I have been avoiding mirrors for the last little while and for good reason. Actually two good reasons, my gut and my bum.

Then I went to the store and tried on a shirt hoping to find some cute outfit to make myself feel more attractive. Not so, it just made me feel worse. But I did wander by the pantie section and got some of those corset-like underwear that holds you in. When I got home and put it on I hit the low of the lows. It was soo tight and so difficult to get up. I wanted to crawl into my closet and disappear. Then Mike came in and said, "Aren't they supposed to be that tight? Isn't that kind of the point?" Immediately I felt better and had hope - I tugged a little more to get them the rest of the way up. And then I had a high - I looked wayyyyy better - go tight panties! Anyhow, nothing really interesting. I just wanted to share the little things we experience every day that feed into the way we feel about ourselves.

Keep the blinders on...

2009-06-12T10:14:00.000-07:00

Ahh, Gold's Gym - I have so many stories to tell about you already. All of them centering around me being treated like a half ton woman. Last night I got my trash kicked at Power-pump. I love that class. It's the one that does aerobics with weights and it is a killer. Last time I got really skinny I owed a lot of it to that class. There was a part of the routine that I couldn't even do - so I sat on my feet and waited. It was this ridiculous abs part. At the end of the class I went to talk to the 19 year old instructor to ask if there was a more basic thing I could do until I'm in shape enough to do that. Before I started she said, like she was talking to a five year old, "Hey, good job!" giving me a high five and then added, "You look great!"

Thanks. I had already positioned myself so that I couldn't see my reflection in any of the mirrors and tried the whole time to keep a good attitude despite my chubbiness. That high five nearly destroyed all my efforts to stay positive. But using positivity of steel, I let it slide.

The night before I met with a trainer thinking it was going to be a Gym orientation - it's not. It's really just a sales pitch to convince you to pay several hundred dollars a month on a trainer. Anyhow, he said lots of self esteem boosting stuff. Like when he asked what my goals are and I said to get back into the 130's. He replied, "I think the 150's are a lot more realistic for you." Hmm, thanks.

But despite all that - I really like the gym. The equipment is all top notch and tonight I get to use the lap pool - I'm excited. I just have to keep my blinders on and ignore the fact that I'm the chubbiest gal in the classes and that I look terrible in my workout clothes. Someday it won't be that way and until then I'm just gonna smile my way through it.

Get your butt in gear...

2009-06-10T13:03:00.000-07:00

That title is a line from "Footloose" and sometimes it comes into my head - especially with such a big butt to get in gear. Thus the great image. That is so me except I've got lighter hair.

One of my favorite parts of getting in shape and running is the planning. I just love making tables and calendars, researching programs, and getting it all down on paper. Then each day I don't have to wonder what I'm going to do -I just walk up to my fridge, where the program is stuck on with a magnet, and look at today's workout. On my fridge I also have a chart for tracking my weight. Sometimes I wonder if I should take it down when I have guests but then I figure - who am I kidding - they know I'm overweight! Still sometimes, when it's someone I especially feel self conscious around, I take it down.

I'm also finding that training for a tri is a lot better than straight running. When I'm just running it's easier to get burnt out because each day I know what I'm doing - just running. With the tri though - I'm never quite sure and get a new kind of workout each and every time.

3 is the magic number...

2009-06-09T10:03:00.000-07:00

So I'm 30 now and I belong to Gold's Gym. Don't they say it's harder to lose weight the older you get? Let's hope not this time.

So I have a mini goal - and it may be a hard one. I want to lose 3 pounds a week for the next four weeks. That would be 12 pounds and that would put me into a range that I haven't been since I was pregnant with Peter. Why four weeks? Well, I have two family reunions at that time and even though 12 pounds won't make me thin(or even close) it will boost my confidence a lot and make me have a better time. Let's hope I make it - wait, I am going to make it. Must stay positive! See you next Monday at the weigh-in.

I'm going for the Gold - Gold's Gym, that is...

2009-06-07T13:53:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow evening I am going to go and join Gold's Gym. I have been back and forth about what I need to do since I want to do a triathlon this summer and need a pool to train in. My neighbor told me that the Gold's close to here is pretty good so I have decided that's the step I need to take.

I also found the first race I want to do. It's a really short one so I know I have time to train for it. Here it is:

(Click on it to see it bigger)

Anyone want to join me?

My heart is willing but my legs are weak...

2009-06-02T20:02:00.000-07:00

I went jogging! I have to say I am slightly proud of myself - maybe "proud" isn't the right term - maybe it's more excitement that I did something slightly normal. It hurt and I was jiggly and slow but I did it. Elijah came with me and we actually had a great time. Hooray! Now I just need to sign up for a race!

2009-06-01T20:02:00.000-07:00

I want one of these! Go check it out...

Me & Kirstie...what happened to us?

2009-05-31T12:06:00.000-07:00

Sorry that I haven't updated the blog in a while - I moved to a new place & we are now pretty much settled. And you want to know how I feel? I feel like Kirstie Alley. Well, I guess I don't know how she feels - I mean I feel like I look like Kirstie Alley. And that isn't good. It means I'm in a bad mood a lot and that I have a hard time not wanting to eat chocolate or something sweet.

This morning I went to the park with my kids and there were lots of other moms there. I found myself being so self conscious that I wanted to pick up a megaphone and start explaining that I'm not usually so overweight and that I feel pretty upset about it all. It's silly to feel that way - I really need to overcome that. But I don't feel like myself - it messes with your identity when you are heavier than normal. When you're pregnant you let that cover for it but then when you aren't anymore - you are left wondering, "So, I'm still fat - what does that mean?"

Not that I expect to have lost all my weight by now - it just gets to me sometimes. I know what would make me feel better - exercise. And there really isn't much time for that so either I need to get up in the morning before Mike leaves or do it in the evening. I'd like to do it in the morning but when you've been waking up all night long with the baby it's pretty hard to want to get out of bed. Another thing I need to get over. So tonight I'll turn the kids over to Mike and head out...

Week one weigh in.

2009-05-18T17:22:00.001-07:00

So, this first week on WW I lost 3 pounds. I'm actually kind of bummed about it because the only days I count as official weigh-in's are Monday but on Saturday the scale was a pound less. I know, it doesn't really matter but I just wanted to be able to say I lost 4 pounds this week but it just didn't show up this morning. I know that weight isn't the perfect indicator of progress and that all sorts of other things can affect it. Sometimes I wonder if I should weigh myself only after a good long feeding with the baby. So, after experiencing that I've decided only to weigh myself on Mondays. Maybe that will help me obsess a little less and then I won't see all the ups and downs from the week.

And I haven't really gotten to my walking yet. Since I'm still requiring a serious granny pad for blood loss I figured I should wait a little more before I do anything. Ugh. And I still don't know when I'm going to do it either...

If a picture paints a thousand words...

2009-05-15T20:16:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite past times when I'm fat - which means for the last year and a half - is to look at old pictures of me when I wasn't fat and say, "Look at how not fat I was there." It probably gets old to Mike but it's totally helpful for me to see me without the extra weight. Like some kind of mental conditioning to help me visualize what I can be. I actually have this one video where I am able to get to my feet from sitting real quick - maybe I can figure out a way to get that on here. But here's a photo I saw tonight:

Now, this was a few months after my miscarriage in 2007 and I was about 15 pounds overweight. I was totally self conscious of my body to the point where I bought this top to cover up my thighs in the family portrait. But look at me - I'm so not fat. At least not by my current standard. I still think the picture and the pose are totally cheesy though.

And in the spirit of President Obama's transparency I'll go ahead a post a pic taken last week. It's not flattering but it does seem honest.

Measurement tracking...

2009-05-15T20:01:00.000-07:00

Oh.my.gosh. I decided I would start tracking my measurements on WW online and discovered that my upper arm has the same circumference as my neck! SICK! By the way, did I tell you that I love this weight watchers thing? It's totally working for me - at least psychologically - we won't be able to tell beyond that until my next weigh-in. Weigh-in's are on Mondays.

As for that walk the other night - it didn't happen. My inner Tara was not available and instead I was close to tears and fell into bed. The next day however I did get on that walk and it felt great. Though I took the circus with me - all four boys. I'm really really really hoping to be getting a treadmill here some time in the future. Anyone selling one?

The Biggest Loser and me.

2009-05-11T12:16:00.000-07:00

So, this spring I started watching ABC's Biggest Loser and I quickly became an addict. I couldn't believe the strides these people were making and how much it was motivating me! This season I have been totally in awe of Tara - who I hope wins tomorrow night by the way! She started out at 296 lbs and is now down in the 180's somewhere. And she did it by sheer determination - working her tail off the whole season. Can you believe how great she looks? I'm going to channel my inner Tara tonight on my first workout in a LONG time. I'll let you know how it goes!

Weight Watchers

2009-05-10T17:27:00.000-07:00

So, I'm doing weight watcher's online. I did a little point counting when I was pregnant and it REALLY worked so I'm excited to go full blown here and get started. Even though I hate counting calories, I really like the point system. Counting calories I get all anxious because I feel like I can't eat anything but the point system simplifies it so much for me and feels more like a game. Because I'm breastfeeding I get 10 more points a day than normal making it a total of 34 points. As I lose weight my point will go down. I'll let you know how I like the online membership and if I think it's worth it. Below here is a screen shot of the basic tool at WW:

No more prego mego.

2009-05-09T17:33:00.001-07:00

Well hey, everybody! I'm back! Yes, I had another baby, my last, just over two weeks ago and I'm ready to hit the pavement again. This Monday I'm gonna start walking - slowly but at least I'm starting. I have so much to say so I'll catch you up over the next little while! I'm excited!

2009-01-16T13:59:00.001-08:00

I take it back - I need a break from this blog! I am really grateful for the support I have received so far on this and hope to be able to come back to it after the baby is done but for now, I need a break! I might want to update it just before the baby but who knows. I'm not even sure that I'll have the time/desire/energy to keep it up after that. But just in case I'm not deleting this blog. So, until then...

Have you given up on me - because I'm still here?!

2008-12-26T10:06:00.003-08:00

Yes, I'm still here and working out and trying to keep things up - I just didn't have the time/energy to keep this blog up. But hopefully with the holidays over I can once again. I haven't been running any marathons or anything but I've been trying to walk a few times a week and just be more active in general. The sick part of pregnancy gets you into this "do as little as possible" mode and it takes some adjustment to get out of it. But overall I'm feeling really good. I haven't weighed myself for a couple weeks - I just didn't want to ruin my Christmas! So welcome back!

Tricks or treats?

2008-11-04T10:13:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I'm pretty proud of myself because I've made it 5 days so far without eating any Halloween candy. Also, I'm doing pretty well on that new diet thing. For breakfast I have a slimfast by itself and then for lunch I have a slimfast with half a turkey sandwich. Today I added a frozen banana to the shake in the blender and it totally tastes like a good milkshake. Then in the afternoon I can have a snack if I can find anything healthy that sounds good. For dinner I just eat a healthier dinner. I'm not eating just a chicken breast with veggies - I'm eating pretty normally. And my rules don't apply to dinner. If we have pasta and it has some cheese in it I still eat it. So far it has been helping. For a couple weeks there my weight was slowly creeping up. But now the upwards trend has stopped and in fact I've gone back down a few pounds. If that worries you, know that what I weigh now is exactly what I weighed the night before I had Andrew. And I had gained 36 pounds with that pregnancy. So, I'm good. My ultimate goal would be to stay where I am for the rest of the pregnancy. That would mean losing weight because I will be gaining blood and tissue - and of course a bigger baby along the way.

My exercise has been nonexistent this week. I have tried not to lay around as much but I haven't made it over to the gym for almost 7 days. But I'm ok - I'm going tonight. I think it's important not to get down about missing. All that will come of it is that you'll miss more. So I just say, "Whoops, I need to get over to the gym!" So, anyhow...how are you guys doing?

slim me up fast

2008-10-31T11:58:00.000-07:00

Ok, so in an effort to slow the steady rise on my bathroom scale, I started slimfast. I know, typically people don't do that when they are pregnant, but I assure you that I have gained enough weight for two healthy pregnancies and that the baby will get plenty from the slimfast. As will I, actually. So far, it's working. And even though I have been in the typical I'm not getting enough to eat mood, I'm glad it is. My body will realize in the next little while that it doesn't require an eighth of what it thinks it does. So...until next time ladies...

I'm back...but still fat.

2008-10-27T11:30:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna keep on going here - at least for a while...

I'm actually feeling better already. Im 12 weeks but usually my sickness lasts until 16 weeks. Now I'm only sick in the mornings - and anyone can handle that!

When ever I'm trying to lose weight I make littler inspiration sheets to hang up in the kitchen. I made this today for inspiration:

I'm pretty happy about it. Now to see if it will work! I went jogging/walking today. It was the first time since I got sick a couple months ago - I've just been swimming. It was HARD. But my body could use a little more HARD!!!

mini-me and my vain blog

2008-10-15T09:00:00.000-07:00

While browsing through some old photos I found this one of me from Thanksgiving 2 years ago. It's mini-me! It has gotten to the point lately where I can't remember what I used to look like and also can't believe I'll ever be my old self again. I need images like this to give me faith that I can do it!

So, I've been swimming still and I'm becoming a big fan. I like how I don't get hot and my joints don't hurt. I also like the sound of the water. After I'm not sick anymore we'll see if I'm up for some jogging as well.

And finally, lately I've been wondering how vain this blog is. I know that happiness is not based on weight or pants size and so I don't want this to seem an obsession with either. I was hoping this would detail my journey back to a healthier, fitter me. But sometimes it digresses and becomes about weight. This past weekend I was visiting my in-laws and in their church congregation is a young mother who just found out she only has a few months left of her life. I felt terrible realizing how petty I've become lately. Feeling like a true blessing is more a trial. These things I worry about aren't really important. I hope that after reading this blog you don't get off and feel worse about yourself. That you aren't overly concerned about your body. My original hope was just the opposite. That you'd see that if I could get healthy - anyone could. I still believe that being healthy is really important - that keeping my body in shape will make the rest of my life more full - and that of my family's as well. I need to remember that. Especially on days where I feel like it's me against the candy bar. Anyhow, just some thoughts...

Well, well, well...

2008-10-01T12:34:00.000-07:00

If you hadn't heard yet - this story of weight loss just got a lot longer. I found out about a month ago that I am pregnant again. That would be a great joke, wouldn't it? But I'm not kidding, it's true. Even though I've know for a while it still feels insane to write that. Anyhow, I'm not really sure what I'm going to do with those races. I am pretty sure the Halloween one is off. I have just been too sick. I am swimming because it is the only thing that doesn't sound too bad. The cool water makes me feel better. Though the other night I pushed a little too hard and wanted to die for the rest of the night. So, I'll be having this baby before my current one even turns one. Talk about being fat. My goal is to gain less than 10 lbs. I really shouldn't gain ANY since I'm currently 40 pounds overweight. We'll see. I will be happy with just gaining ten or less because I'd actually need to lose some fat in order to accomplish that.

Wow. This is crazy, isn't it? Three pregnancies in a row can get old real quick.

p.s. Of course it wasn't planned!

WAKE-UP CALL...or a lot can happen in a year.

2008-09-20T20:12:00.000-07:00

This week has been disastrous for my training. I had a great workout on Tuesday and was feeling great and then I never went after that. I was ready to wipe the week from the books and not let it get me down when I saw this photo of me. This is from my church activity tonight. Now, I'm a photographer so I know about camera distortion but this ain't that. This is all me and this is a wake-up call. When I first saw this I was totally horrified. But why am I surprised? Do I think you can be 40 pounds overweight and only look slightly bigger than you normally do? Wow. Ok, it's time to stop fooling around. It's time to look at this photo every day instead of the quick glance in the mirror standing in a strange pose to look as thin as possible.

Just for some perspective here are some old photos of me.
This is my wedding day. I was skinny. I have always been terrified that someday some friend of my kids would come over and see my wedding picture and say, "Who's that?" and when they hear it's me say, "That's your mom?!" So floored that I was once thin. That cannot happen! Or would that be possible already? Maybe.
Here's a cheesy one of me but I just remember feeling soo huge and fat that day. If only I could go back to that!

And this is about a month after my miscarriage and two months before I got pregnant with this last one - in June of last summer. I was probably about 15 pounds heavier than normal. I saw this picture and was mortified by my size. I was so sad that you could see the outline of my gut. And now? I only dream of being that size. Will it ever come back?

I have a ways to go.

Cindy's tri

2008-09-13T11:35:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine just ran in a tri and posted about it on her blog. She didn't train before and the results are quite entertaining. Check it out!

The bees knees...

2008-09-11T12:41:00.000-07:00

I am happy to say that I think my knee problem is under control. First thing I did was get some new shoes from the Runner's Corner. I love that place. They once again looked at my running cadence or whatever you call it. And because of their recommendation, I always get my running shoes bigger than my normal size(size 8) and this time the shoes I ended up with are a size 10! And they feel awesome...

Another trick the guys gave me at the store was to put the treadmill at a slight incline - like really slight - a 1.0. That way the ball of my foot would be hitting the belt first. And that, put together with the new shoes, has alleviated the pain! Finally!

Anyhow, overall the training is going well - slowly but well. I definitely have down days/times where I am so frustrated with my size/weight where all I want to do is sit in front of the TV and be angry. But luckily I recognize them for what they are and it helps them to pass more quickly. For now, at least.

Anyhow, how are you guys doing? Especially you Stephanie...where are you!?

I have found my tri.

2008-09-08T20:39:00.000-07:00

Today was my first official day of training and it got me excited to find a race. I went to this website and looked for one. I wanted something soon enough to keep more going so I was a little bummed to see that the last race of this year is in November down in St. George and that the first one of next year isn't until June. Hmm...if I follow my 13 week plan strictly that takes me to the first week in December but that just won't do so...I am going to shorten my training to two months so I can run in a closer triathlon in Orem. It is a pool swim and it's the last thing you do so you don't have to worry about your hair freezing.

Though it's 9 weeks instead of 13 I think I can do it...heck, I'm still in my twenties - I better be able to! Anyone else want to join me?

this morning...

2008-09-06T09:50:00.000-07:00

The spanish fork half marathon and 5k...

And no, I wasn't running. My husband was.
It was fun to be out there. It made me remember that I committed to do a race just like this in about five weeks. I need to get going. This week has been a hard one. I swam on Monday and then did nothing for the rest of the week. I am really getting bummed about the lack of movement in my weight. Oh well. I guess I just have to keep going - not worrying about the number on the scale. I definitely won't get thin and fit doing nothing...

just a couple things

2008-08-28T11:50:00.000-07:00

I did my bike routine today - just to see where I was at. I biked for just under 30 minutes at level 5 - totaling 10 miles. It wasn't bad. My question is, are the calorie counters on that thing for real? It said I had burned like over 700 calories. I'm betting that is a little of an overstatement. I wish it weren't.

As for calories, I have a friend who has lost tons of weight and her main objective when going to the gym is to burn as many calories as possible. And it has been really successful for her but I just can't work out that way. I think I would go crazy. I need a race - an actual physical goal or event I am working towards. Weight loss or calories is not enough for me. My workouts need to be more utilitarian than that. Like I'm not going to use a rowing machine unless I want to row somewhere eventually. That's why I hadn't gone swimming or used a stationary bike until this week. Now that I know I've got a race doing those things - it makes sense to me. Do you feel the same way?

Here is a plan I found online* for training - it's a 13 week plan. I think I'll start that as soon as I get to consistently running for 20-30 minutes at a 10-12 minute mile pace.

one more thing - have you seen oprah's food journal? That woman doesn't eat anything! It seems it is time for me to really take stock of how much I eat. Do you eat a lot more than her too? I may just have to keep a food journal as well...

*to see the plan scroll down a bit on that page.

Update - I just found an online free food journal and punched in what I've eaten so far today. I'm already up at 819 calories and 14.4 grams of fat today. It also has tons of other features -like it tracks your measurements, weight, moods, etc. I'm already totally hooked. I just want them to have a widget for my blog!

Try-athlon

2008-08-26T20:39:00.000-07:00

Inspired by the women's olympic triathlon, my best friend Marisa's first tri this past weekend, and lean swimmer bodies, I've decided that I'm going to set my sights on a higher goal. I love to run but honestly running a marathon has always sounded a bit boring. I know it's an amazing accomplishment but I find myself more drawn to adventure style races. And that's why triathlons have always seemed really fun. I always figured that races like that would have to wait until I was in my top form but Marisa told me that her friend went from barely running a mile to finishing a triathlon in under two hours in just two and a half months.

So...swim, fat mom, swim - and pedal too - I'm training for a triathlon! I figure I'll train over the winter months so that next spring I can kick trash in a race near here. Now, when I say triathlon - I'm talking about a triathlon sprint - which is a half mile swim, 12 mile bike, and a 6 or less mile run. The ironman will have to wait.

One thing that has always scared me away from triathlons is the swimming. I'm a terrible swimmer. But I decided it was time to grow up, don a swimsuit, and give it another go. So tonight I headed over to our pool to swim some laps. I asked Marisa the other night how much she swam when she first started training for the race. She told me 18 laps in an olympic length pool - which would be 36 in the pool in my community. Wowzer! When I went over tonight I had no idea if I could even swim more than 5 laps. The pool had not one but two young couples swimming and hugging and giggling(separately of course). The voices in my head imagined the young lovers looking at me and the girls thinking, "Gosh, I'm so glad I don't look like that." That's not helpful, I need to work on that. I really let my pessimistic voices run wild when I get in a swimsuit.

Anyhow, I put on my seven-year-old's goggles, and shoved off. Swimming freestyle, the first 3 laps were the hardest. I felt like I was near drowning as I gasped for air and splashed down the lane with hair constantly in my face(time to order a swimcap). I was a definite shark magnet too with all of my flailing and kicking. Though, after a little while I got into the rhythym of it and was able to breathe a little easier. And I kept going and was able to swim 36 laps! Now, that was really exciting for me. Though I have to admit that I can barely type because my right arm is constantly cramping. I'm sure tomorrow I'm gonna be in a world of pain but it's ok. I'm training for a triathlon!

2008-08-23T12:09:00.000-07:00

Oh my goodness - I just got back from my run and I can't believe that the music made such a difference! I ran at a 12 minute mile pace instead of a 14 min pace. And since I was alone in the gym I was pretty much dancing through a lot of my run. Some of the lines that really inspired me today were:

I'm a survivor,
I'm not gonna give up,
I'm not gon' stop,
I'm gonna work harder,
I'm a survivor,
I'm gonna make it,
I will survive,
Keep on survivin' ,

Survivor - Destiny's Child

Does the way I wear my hair make me a better person?
Does the way I wear my hair make me a better friend?
Does the way I wear my hair determine my integrity?
(I always substituted my body in place of hair in this song.)

I am not my hair - India Arie

In fact, Survivor saved me because it came right when I wanted to give up and when that chorus started I was totally lovin' it. I am totally listening to music next time!

We've got the beat...

2008-08-23T11:00:00.000-07:00

Music can be really motivating when you are running but at the same time sometimes a song can really slow you down. For me it has to be a perfect combination of the beat, the lyrics, and the overall feeling. I can't pinpoint one perfect combination - sometimes it's a happy song, sometimes it's not. There are a few songs that work almost every time for me - at least lately. I really love running to Madonna's "Hung Up" and OkGo's "Here it Goes Again" - probably because of the amazing video(see below). But sometimes a song really revs me up and I want to start throwing my fists around and jumping on each and every step - Foreigner's songs always seem to do that for me. I am a complete fanatic for the song "Cold as Ice". You better believe I'm breaking out both the air guitar and the air piano on that one. Today I'm gonna try running to Destiny's Child, "Survivor" because it will make me feel like I'm really working towards something. We'll see how it works...

What about you - what songs really hit the spot for you during your runs?

Bummer of a week

2008-08-21T10:35:00.000-07:00

This week has been a hard one. I made that chart and for the first few days I was following the curve and then my curve started right back up again. I want to think that the chart was achievable and that if I start working harder I can catch up. I sure hope so.

I was so bummed that I didn't really do anything all this week until today. Finally, this morning I watched the women's triathlon on the olympics online and it inspired me. So I packed the kids up and took them all to our little community gym. I'd done that once before and it wasn't so bad. Today it was actually good. I turned on the cartoons - gave Peter a few toys and hopped on the treadmill. My knees were feeling better. I think the break from jogging helped.

Also, I'm sick of working out in the evenings. It's so easy to skip, let alone have the mental stamina that late in the day. Today I was able to jog 1.5 miles. It felt great actually. I haven't run with music yet and I think that might give me the extra boost I need. Next time I'll bring along the ipod.

A dream is a wish your heart makes...

2008-08-11T20:52:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had one of those dreams where you just didn't want to wake up because it was so great? Well, I had one of those last night. I dreamed I was running along a trail in the forest with a group of people. And at first I was a little nervous because I knew I hadn't been running much and didn't think I'd be able to go very far . Luckily though, in my dream I was running with a great partner who kept me going - who happened to be Tom Cruise. And I realized I was actually feeling great. Also, Tom was telling me I was doing great and encouraged me to keep going and we ran several miles together at a great pace. Now, why Tom cruise? I have no idea because he kind of bugs me - though I was giving him some marriage advice for he and Katie. But unlike a lot of dreams where you feel like you can't run - I felt like I was sailing across the pavement. It was glorious. I only wish it was a reality. I have running dreams like that a good amount when I'm starting to get back into it. They usually involve an old high school coach who intimidated me quite a bit. In those dreams I'm always going back and working really hard and knocking his socks off. Something I failed to do when I was in high school. So, I'll take kooky Tom Cruise any day. Actually, there was a part of my dream where Tom wanted me to stop by his church so I could listen to a lesson on Scientology. I was a little apprehensive but kind of excited by the weirdness of it all. Unfortunately my run was cut short when I heard my three month old crying - waking me up for the morning.
As for reality...my knees are still hurting a good amount. I have had pains before but this one doesn't go away even when I stop running. So I looked it up and read that it has to do with my lack of quadricep muscle support for my knees. I need to strengthen that. Tonight I went to get on the treadmill - hoping that the pain wouldn't be too bad. But it was and so I hopped on over to the elliptical. I have never run on an elliptical before but it was actually great. My knees didn't hurt at all but my quads were burning and it was hard! So, I "ran" a mile on that and plan on working on my quad strength and resting my knees for a week or so in hopes that I can get back into jogging without losing any momentum but losing the pain.

And tonight I drew up a weight loss chart which my friend Jamie has been telling me to do and I'm glad I finally did. It was fun and it made me excited to see where I can be if I'll stop my snacking and work harder. Here it is:
It puts me at losing my weight by the 31st of October. That's just about 3 pounds a week which is pretty aggressive but completely doable...right? Really, I just ran out of room on the poster. I couldn't fit any more days on there but didn't want my chart to end above my goal weight so...

Wish me luck! I'll keep you posted.

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When your fast asleep
In dreams you will lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for you keep

Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling through
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
The dream that you wish will come true.

Racing.

2008-08-05T20:55:00.000-07:00

I went running again tonight and I realized it's time to choose my first foray back into the world of racing. Races are fun and can really get you motivated. Next spring I hope to run in the Rex Lee Run so I can finally get a coveted Rex Lee Run tee. When I was in college those were the cool of the cool.

My first race outside of school was after I had my first son and finally got into running for real. I ran in a 5k at BYU and though I wasn't fast - somewhere around 9 minute miles - it was a lot of fun. The next race I entered was a half marathon - jumping up in mileage way too fast. Which meant that I cried during more than one workout - and hated almost every step of that race. I did terribly in this one even though I trained like crazy. It happens to be called "The toughest half marathon in the northwest." I didn't take that too literally - though I should have. The first eight miles you gain 2000 feet and then the last 5 you lose 1700 feet. But the worst part was that the race shirt didn't even say half marathon on it so I couldn't wear it to show off! C'mon, we all know we race for the glory of the t-shirts! I wish I would have just chosen a regular half so that I could have felt good about my performance. Someday I'll beat that race.And this time around I've chosen an evening race. Not that I was looking for one - it just happens to fall at a time when I think I might be ready by. A Halloween race in American Fork. See you there? Should we dress up? I think so. I can't wait to plan my costume.
Someday I hope to have a place in my budget called "race money" so that I can race all the time. I hope to run fast like my best friend Marisa - she got first place in her age group and third place in a race not too long ago. She was only beat by a couple teenage girls! Now that's hot! I also hope to run in one of those races in the woods someday where you have to run through streams and mud and jump over things. What are those called? They've always seemed really interesting. And I also want to participate in a few bi/triathlons. I want to be cool like that. I love dreaming of being a hot running mom...

Breakthrough - finally...

2008-07-30T20:38:00.000-07:00

I don't know if I'll do these video journals every time - it might start to get old real fast. But, today I DID NOT want to go on my run. My oldest son kept asking, "Mom, when are you going on your run?" because he wanted to ride his bike with me and I kept snapping back at him, "I don't know!" So, making the video gave me some motivation because it made it kind of introspective...here it is:(why does it have to freeze frame on my eyes half closed?)

I then walked slowly over to the trail head and stretched for a good ten minutes - not because I'm a diligent stretcher - I should be - but it was to put off my jog for a few more minutes. here's my after video:

Good luck ladies. Let me know how your workouts are going. I'm also looking at some races in October if anyone (or everyone's) in!? Today I am starting to have a glimmer of vision of me as a runner...

Tender Mercies - 176.0 lbs.

2008-07-28T20:24:00.001-07:00

I hesitate to share this video because I am so huge in it but that's kinda the point, isn't it? I thought I could start doing video journals so everyone could see me in motion - it's a little more interesting that way. And it will convince all of you that if someone like me can jog a mile, anyone can.

p.s. Remember when I said that I didn't need this blog for inspiration? I was wrong - if it wasn't for this thing I know I wouldn't be doing a darn thing. Losing weight is hard. In fact, sometimes I think this may end up being one of the hardest things I'll ever do...

Saturday's Warrior

2008-07-19T12:51:00.000-07:00

Well, this week of running a mile is done. I went Monday & Wednesday skipped Friday and went today(Saturday). Though I was spitting less the runs didn't get any easier. I had to use every part of my will power to keep going at times. My body would say, "We're going to die!" and I'd have to keep saying, however feebly, "This will not kill us, it will only make us able to run up the stairs quickly, or jump up onto trampolines, or move with lightness."
I did notice my pacing got better. My run on Monday my pacing was all over the place. And I didn't feel I could control it - all I could do was put each foot in front of the other, over and over again. But today I felt better able to judge how my steps were settling into a pace. My average was 12:31 - though my time was two seconds faster. My garmon GPS said my fastest pace was 9:57 - that must have been for one split second somewhere along the way.

I think next week I will still run a mile. Just to get it under control a little better. So I don't feel on the verge of death so often too.

I am also looking into some 5k races that are in the fall. I'll decide on one soon and start looking ahead to that. Races always help in that way.

Back in my saddle again...

2008-07-14T20:21:00.000-07:00

No, I didn't quit. I just went to a family reunion in Idaho and was gone for a total of two weeks. And though I did do some hiking, walking, biking, and swimming - I didn't do a lick of running. My trip did give me one valuable thing though - this photo Mike took of me and my hot sister in law. Can you guess which one I am? Just kidding. I was totally devastated when I saw it. Everyone knows that you really don't know what you look like until you see it in a photo or a video. Do you like how I am holding that pillow on my lap to hide my body a little more? Sad stuff, guys.

Before I left I did do one run - well, more a mix of running and walking. I would walk a quarter of a mile and then run that same amount- back and forth for a total of two miles. It was hard but it was ok. So tonight I hit the pavement - literally. I decided to try running outside instead of the treadmill. Sometimes it is so hard to keep going when you can just stare at the hundredths of a mile reading slowing ticking up.

It was a nice night and though I didn't like letting people see my bum jiggle, I was able to run a mile straight. My pacing was not that great - it ranged from 13 minute miles to 10 minute miles - gotta love those garmon GPS's! My face was red and I had a lot of gross stuff that I needed to spit out, but I made it. And I will do it again three more times this week. And hopefully by Saturday my face won't be as red and I won't have to spit quite as often.

2008-06-27T21:08:00.000-07:00

Well, it's not much but it's something. I am ready to ditch walking and start slow slow jogging. I will be slow and I won't be able to get far but at least I'll be on my way...

Moving and not moving.

2008-06-24T09:29:00.000-07:00

So, things are crazy here lately because we just moved from Texas to Utah. And because of that, I am more than a week behind on my running schedule. Thus my title - moving and not moving. The community we moved into has a little clubhouse with a workout room and yesterday I went to use the treadmill. I didn't get there until 10 PM because things are crazy with the move and having a new baby. I went in, turned on the TV and then a woman came in and said, "We're closed." She was the cleaning lady, there to lock up for the night. I felt a little defeated. So, I have to go today to make up for it. Before 10 o'clock at night too. And I'm hoping that this week I can finally see my scale end up in the 170's. I have a digital scale and I always see that number for a second and I hope it's going to stay but then it bumps up to 180.

It's totally frustrating to me that I can't break into the 170's. I was talking with a friend yesterday that said her mom would work and work after having a baby and nothing would move until at about 9 months when suddenly everything would just melt away. I like the sudden melting part of that story but not the 9 months. I just couldn't take it. Being overweight is really hard for me.

I do think though that hormones must be playing some role in this weight loss thing. I just don't see why my body is holding onto this weight so fiercely. But my feeling is that right now I have two parts of me playing tug of war. One side is my hormones saying, "Oh no you don't" and the other is my will power saying, "Watch me!" and in these next few weeks my will power is going to win this battle and pull my hormones right into the mud. Go will power!

Losing weight requires faith.

2008-06-12T09:10:00.000-07:00

I've been really down about my weight lately. It's really hard on me to wake up every morning and have to put on my "clown pants" and tight shirts. I think I just keep expecting to wake up as my old self. I feel like a fairy tale character or something from a Miyazaki movie where some witch has put a curse on me and turned me into some ugly fat woman. Sometimes my body just feels so inescapable. I haven't lost weight in weeks and nothing seems to be working. I know that if I can just hold on it will start to slip away. Until then it is so difficult. For the first month after I had the baby I think I just ignored the way I look - hoping that it would change before I had to face the reality of it. But now I'm having to see myself as I really am and it's really really hard on me. It's times like these when people give up I guess. But luckily there is a glimmer of hope as I remember that I've been here before and lost it. I've been fat and then thin again. I can and will do it again. In the mean time I shouldn't treat myself as such an object. I shouldn't feel I only deserve love if I am a lovely object. I am not this body. The song "I am not my hair" by India Arie came into my mind today and I really should think of it more often as I'm trying to work through this...

Maiden voyage...

2008-06-09T17:46:00.000-07:00

Today is my 29th birthday and it hit me hard how big I am. I just didn't want to be in my body today so this evening on my walk I pushed as hard as I could - which is about a 15 minute mile. It was really difficult! After a mile of that I thought, "Jogging can't be much harder than this..." So I started to jog a 12 minute mile. It was such a strange feeling since I've never gone running weighing 180 before. I felt like I was running through thigh-high sticky mud. Or with weights on my legs- which is pretty much what I've got - a lot of extra weight to lift on my legs. I ran that pace for a third of a mile and then went back to walking. In the end I felt pretty good. I got my endorphins going and I think I'm ready to up my workouts to 6 days a week. I just can't stand being this size!

Even though I was dead and far from ready to jog a lot - it felt great. I felt slightly normal again.

p.s. For my birthday I got some running clothes that fit and Mike got me this DVD to use on cross training days. After using it this is pretty much what I am going to look like:

How I became a runner...

2008-06-05T13:44:00.000-07:00

I consider myself a runner. Even though I'm not running now and though I've never been amazing at it - a while back I got running into my blood and felt like I had become a runner. That feeling has never left me - thankfully. I always feel like I am returning to an old friend when I get back into it. And it's always there - waiting for me. This is the story of how that happened and some things I learned from that.

I used to hate walking. I'm too impatient for it. I know it's supposed to be a great workout and many people find pleasure in it but I'm in too much of a hurry to do it. Before I had kids and wanted to get into running, I'd just start jogging. So, about four months after I had Elijah when I realized breastfeeding alone was not going to get rid of my weight, I decided to go running.

I remember the night so clearly. I told Mike I was going running and strapped on my old running shoes from my single days. Mike said, "Oh! Alright" trying to hide his surprise and probably also knowing that I wouldn't make it very far. I stretched a little and walked out of my little apartment and down the stairs. I had no plan of where I was going - I just started across my parking lot. Honestly, I don't think I made it more than 400 yards before I HAD to stop. My lungs were burning, my mouth had the taste of blood in it, and with every step I took I felt like I was going to break my knees. And I was devastated. I thought, "What happened to me?" I slowly walked back to my apartment and told Mike what happened. I was totally caught by surprise. And it was almost half a year later before I tried it again.

About 5 months later some friends of mine said they had a little walking group that met every other day to go for walks. I decided to give it a try because the girl in charge(Alyson) was cool and I wanted to get to know her better. So for the next few weeks I met with a few other gals and we pushed our strollers around town for about an hour each time. I didn't think anything of it. I thought if it was doing anything at all - it wasn't much. At about that time I decided to have another go at that jogging thing. So, once again I strapped on those old shoes and headed out but this time I walked a mile first. And something had happened - jogging was EASY! No more wheezing or cramps or concrete legs - it was just ok. I only jogged one mile though so I wouldn't ruin it by pushing too far. And six months later I was running at least 4 miles a day and sometimes up to 10.

There are a few things I learned about running from that:

One - You have to walk before you run. Even though I hate walking it enables me to get into running so easily. When people tell me they've tried running but hated it - I wonder if they hadn't walked for a month first if their experience would have been different. And ANYONE can walk. So I have learned to really appreciate walking. I still get impatient but I know the only path to running begins with walking. And I know that with just a few weeks of it I'll be ready to go. I'm right in the middle of that now and I'm buzzing with excitement.

Two - While your old running shoes from years ago that you've been wearing with your jeans might be ok for a few runs - meaning like 3 - they could ultimately lead to your demise with running. The padding in them has been so compacted from wearing them for years that your body is taking the full brunt when it hits the concrete. Get some new shoes - nothing too expensive unless you know your feet have problems or something like that. And replace them about every six months. AND don't wear them for anything but running because that will just accelerete the compaction. AND get them at least one size bigger. I had always gotten my shoes right at my size and laced them up tight. Which meant that by the end of the run my toes were all curled up and the shoes were unbearably tight. Your feet expand while you run and need some room for that - don't worry, you won't get blisters! I have more to say about shoes but I'll save that for another post.

Three - You need to make a plan before you walk out that door. In fact, I'd say even before that. Finishing your runs well often takes every ounce of will power that you've got, so before you go you need to know how far and how fast you are planning to go. If you say to yourself, "I'm just gonna see how it goes and take it from there", then you won't get very far. I remember when Mike and I were training for our half marathon together we would usually do our long runs on a certain well marked path. But one Saturday I was bored and decided we should just run around town for a change of scenery. And while change is good, we wandered aimlessly around the streets of Provo and we felt terrible. We had no direction - no goal to work towards. Know how far, how fast and in what direction you are going to run and stick to it! I always make little charts that I can log my runs on and hang it on the fridge or by the back door. It is a key to my success.

Four - Even with preparation running is HARD. Taking it slow and easing into your mileage will make it a lot easier but in the end, almost every single run is hard. I thought eventually that getting out the door and hitting the pavement would be easy but it never was. It definitely got easier as it became part of my life but each and every run took serious will power. I have
memories of crying through my runs because I just wanted to quit so bad. Those usually happened to coincide with my cycle though. I have A LOT more to say about this but that also needs to be in another post.

Five - Running is rewarding. Not only will your mood improve significantly when you go running, but your life will. I remember hearing a story about a man who went to see his Bishop and said he wanted to leave his wife. The Bishop recommended that they start running - together. And it saved their marriage. There were more details to it but I totally believe that story. Running is hard and requires you to put your body in subjection to your spirit. It requires discipline and commitment. All things which I saw translate into the rest of my life making me a better wife, mother, & friend.

And that is why I run. I feel like running has been a gift in my life and plan on doing it as long as I can. And I am constantly trying to spread the gospel of running. So, anyone wanting to get into running? Let's do a race together this fall!

On being embarrassed while walking/running

2008-06-04T17:28:00.000-07:00

Today I went out for my second 1 mile walk. Today I took it faster - 17:17 - and even though that is slow it kicked my trash. I wasn't breathing heavy but I did get a cramp making it feel like I couldn't take a deep breath. My legs felt like cement and were itchy too. But the hardest part was my embarrassment while out. My clothes are tight and my misshapen body is clearly visible because of that. There was a moment today when a young guy was out washing his car and I had to walk right past him when I wanted to start strolling or something just to not draw attention to myself. And then I thought, "I can worry about what the people I see today think about me or I can get working on a body that I don't have to be embarrassed of." And it worked - I walked past him - arms pumping and all. And it worked on the next person I saw standing in their lawn and watching me. And the guy who drove past and stared at me. Most likely, there was nothing else to look at but me. But even if they were thinking, "Hey, fat lady." and even if I never see them again and get to prove that I'm not really someone who is always fat but that I just had a baby - who the heck cares? Just get working.

First walk down.

2008-06-03T12:19:00.000-07:00

So I went for my one mile walk yesterday. I wore Mike's GPS so I could know exactly how fast and how far I was going. And even though I took it at a complete stroll pace - meaning a 25 minute mile - I was so tired at the end. I didn't break a sweat and I didn't breathe heavy in any way - but my body was beat at the end. Isn't that sad? While I was out I walked past a building with a bunch of windows and I could see my reflection. I didn't even recognize myself. I was totally caught off guard by my size. And then later I had to wait to cross the street as some college girls drove by and I was so embarrassed of my size. I wanted to wear a shirt that had my story on there to excuse myself. I can't do that though so I have to get in gear and get rid of it. So, I think next time I'm gonna need to pick the pace up a bit so that I am ready to jog a mile in a few weeks. Though if I go really fast - like a 12 or 13 minute mile walk - that's harding than jogging.

And of course my bleeding started up a little bit, but I don't care. My body will just have to get used to it. I don't have any time to spare.

The dive and glide

2008-05-30T14:24:00.000-07:00

I grew up down the street from the neighborhood swimming pool and have many memories of swimming and diving and general playing in the pool. In particular we kids would always challenge others to swim the length of the pool without taking a breath. I always prided myself on the fact that I could do it but I had a secret strategy. It was all about the dive. If you could dive in and glide really far without using much energy the rest of the pool was a cinch. If you had to start right in the water without any momentum the job was a lot harder.

After pregnancy those first few weeks are kind of like that dive. I always lose a lot of weight in that time and it gets me going so I can lose the rest. I also never really know how much extra fat I have to lose and how much was just water weight until that time. I remember after having Elijah - where I gained like 60 pounds - I lost 33 pounds in that first three weeks. With Andrew it was less but only because I only gained 36 pounds total - which was great for me. So this time I was anxious to see how much I could lose with the dive and glide. I was hoping to get to 169. That was probably a VERY unrealistic goal since that would have been like 40 pounds. It started ok - as you can see on my chart. But it must have been a bad dive because at about 2 weeks postpartum I stopped gliding. In the past 2 weeks my weight hasn't gone anywhere which means it's time to accept that I weight in the 180's - my Dad's weight when he's feeling too heavy - and get working. It's hard to accept but hopefully I can get swimming well enough to get my momentum going again so I don't have to accept that weight for too long....50 pounds to go!

Wish me luck!

Fat Blogger Gets Famous!

2008-05-30T12:59:00.000-07:00

It seems someone else thought blogging would be a good way to chronicle weight loss...
This guy lost an amazing amount of weight and blogged about it all. The only problem is that it isn't as interesting to me now because he's done - that seems like a good reason to open this blog up to everyone I know. Still, here are some of his tips:

Fact Box
Muata Kamdibe's Tips

1. Calories count! If anyone tells you differently, keep your hand on your wallet and back away slowly. Feed your brain to lose the weight. Educate yourself about the weight-loss process to create your own way of eating.
2. Establish a realistic plan to accomplish your goals. Having an epiphany that you need to lose weight is not enough.
3. Lie to everyone else about your weight if you'd like, but there is no room for lying to yourself anymore.
4. Read both sides of the debate about saturated fat and cholesterol. There's more than enough information available to make an informed decision about a diet that is good for you.
5. If you can't do 20 strict form push-ups and chin-ups, then you shouldn't think about touching one dumbbell. Bodyweight exercises are enough to build the body that 90 percent of the fat guys and their women really want!

Well, I guess I'll go post about this on my other blog....here we go!

2008-05-28T16:58:00.000-07:00

Well, I've started on my slimfast. I actually really like it because it takes the thinking out of the whole thing and it helps me remember how little I actually need to eat. I also use their website for motivation and more tips.

I've also come up with my running schedule to get me going. I love making charts and can't wait to get started with this one. Because I can't run before 6 weeks postpartum I'll be walking short distances for a few weeks. I am so out of shape that's the best way to start running anyhow. Here it is(click on it to see it larger):
In the bottom half of each box is the distance I'd like to go - and in the top half I fill in what I actually did that day. This is my first 6 weeks and I'm going to do it first thing in the morning to burn more fat. I also included a quote and some upcoming races to keep me focused and motivated. After a while I will choose a race to set as a goal and I'll let you all know about that.

Wow.

2008-05-19T20:06:00.001-07:00

A few months back Mike and I were watching that show The Biggest Loser and I remember that there were some girls on there towards the end of season who were so happy with the weight they had lost and what they had achieved. I couldn't help thinking, "Well, gee, they're still like 185 pounds - they're still totally fat." I forgot about that until today.

I went to Target to get some clothes to fit into so I could stop wearing my maternity pants. While I was in the fitting room I happened to glance at my reflection in the mirror behind me. You know the kind of dressing room that has a mirror in front of you and behind so you can see your whole outfit? Well, that was the kind. And what did I see? Well, all I could say to myself was, "Wow." There in the mirror was one of those girls from TBL! And then I realized that I do now weigh in the 180's just like they did. And then I realized that if I was on that show that I would be one of those fat women pulling tires up the hill in all of their sick obesity. I was and still am flabbergasted. I had no idea what I had become. It was like seeing a stranger in the mirror. I came out feeling a little dazed and every few minutes I found myself uttering, "Wow." again under my breath. And thus it begins.

I went for a walk today and tonight I ate some celery with raisins and peanut butter instead of the cookies Mike made. I have 50 pounds to lose. Wow. Guess I better get started. What is the fastest that one can lose weight after having a baby? Is it possible to lose 50 pounds in like 4 months?

~Megan

p.s. I got size 16 pants - not size 14. Gee.

p.p.s. No, I do not think that girl in the photo is fat - I just couldn't find one of a girl before the show was over and they are still chubby.

Day 9 - 185 lbs.

2008-05-10T09:53:00.001-07:00

So, this morning I put on some size 12 jeans - and they are way too small. But I didn't take them off - I'm just sitting here in front of the computer in a ridiculously tight pair of jeans. I'm not going anywhere so I figured it was ok. For some reason I like to do that to myself when I'm losing weight. It's almost like a reminder of how far I am from where I need to be. In this case I have to take it in smaller steps since size 12 is NOT where I normally like to be. But it feels like a slightly normal size when a size 14 or 16 is really getting into darker territory. I won't be happy until I am in a size 6. Now when I say, "happy" I don't mean happy - I mean satisfied with my weight. I'm pretty happy now - besides the fact that I'm crazy because of my changing hormones.

I wonder what the measurement differences are between a size 14 and a size 6. Hmm...

So I went and looked it up at GAP - since I usually wear and like their jeans the best. Here's the skinny - pun kind of intended...

So , let's see...

I have 5 .5 or 6 inches to lose on my hips - maybe more...and 6 inches on my waist - now I know this isn't right since I've got my "empty house" - a new term I learned for a postpartum belly. But those are some starting figures just to think about.

Since it has only been just over a week since the surgery, I am still not able to drive - let alone exercise. I am thinking in the next couple weeks I will start taking small slow walks. Then eventually get to my running. Until then...

Worst Nightmare

2008-04-22T16:47:00.000-07:00

I always wonder if photojournalists get permission to take pictures of people like this. They aren't showing their head but I'm pretty sure if I saw a photo of me like that I'd know it was me.

It's one of my worst nightmares that I'd be looking through the news or watching a report on CNN on fat people and they are showing all of these big bums and I say "Hey, I have that bag!" or "I actually have some jeans like that." When all of a sudden it hits me that IT IS my bag or my jeans...and MY big bum!

Especially with this lady - yes, she's big, but give her a break - she's working on it! I am afraid my postpartum body will be worthy of one of these "obesity reports" that sport pictures like these.

Though this lady is committing double jeopardy holding that cigarette. They can use this photo for articles on obesity, smoking, or ones that talk about both...she really was asking for it.

Day Zero - 4 weeks left of pregnancy

2008-04-04T18:33:00.000-07:00

Well, I've still got 4 weeks left and yet I've already hit the big number. I was hoping to finish at this to have a really clean number to start my descent from but alas...it may not happen. I think I'm actually 197 or something so perhaps I can keep it right around 200 still. The doctor told me today that the baby seems to be around 6 lbs. so I can at least count on losing that much! Actually, I don't think I'll really know what I'm dealing with until about 3 weeks after the baby is born. I usually shed quite a bit of weight until then and at that point it starts a much slower decent. I am excited though. For some reason I don't feel too depressed at this point. Well, most days I don't. I'm just sick of heaving my body around - trying to turn over in bed or to squat to look under the couch looking for little shoes. I am kind of excited for the journey I have ahead. Kind of like before a marathon. I am nervous but still confident that it can be done. And what exactly needs to be done, you ask? Well, my healthy weight, if I am exercising, is 130 lbs. on the dot. If I want to be HOT, you ask? I need to be 120-125 lbs. We'll start with 130 and go from there.

Now, on the subject of weighing 200 lbs. If someone had told me I was EVER going to weight that much - EVER in my life, unless I was having triplets or something, I wouldn't have believed them. Or maybe I would have believed but I would have been completely HORRIFIED. But when my weight just kept coming it was almost like I was in some sort of place where I couldn't feel depressed - I'm just too tired to get that worked up about it, I guess. I also didn't know it would be so easy to get to that weight. At the beginning of my pregnancy I was talking to a friend who had just had a baby and she told me she was weighing at around 210 when the baby was born - nearly 80 lbs. overweight. I was so flabbergasted that I just burst into laughter. I couldn't imagine someone my size weighing that incredible weight! And now, here I am! I was a little hesitant to share my real weight on here because I know some of you will be like me and think, "WOW! How on earth!?" but oh well, I laughed and now I will let you laugh too. And, it's not that interesting to read about a fat mom running off her weight if you don't know what that weight is! I am going to try and make this blog as candid as possible. Notice though, that this first picture is not a full body shot and it's taken from the side - I guess I'm not completely ready to put it all out there yet.

In any case, I'll update you with my final pregnancy weight in a few weeks. After that, this blog can really get going. So hold tight and come back in about a month and join me in my journey!