Breakthrough - finally...

I don't know if I'll do these video journals every time - it might start to get old real fast. But, today I DID NOT want to go on my run. My oldest son kept asking, "Mom, when are you going on your run?" because he wanted to ride his bike with me and I kept snapping back at him, "I don't know!" So, making the video gave me some motivation because it made it kind of introspective...here it is:(why does it have to freeze frame on my eyes half closed?)


I then walked slowly over to the trail head and stretched for a good ten minutes - not because I'm a diligent stretcher - I should be - but it was to put off my jog for a few more minutes. here's my after video:



Good luck ladies. Let me know how your workouts are going. I'm also looking at some races in October if anyone (or everyone's) in!? Today I am starting to have a glimmer of vision of me as a runner...

Tender Mercies - 176.0 lbs.

I hesitate to share this video because I am so huge in it but that's kinda the point, isn't it? I thought I could start doing video journals so everyone could see me in motion - it's a little more interesting that way. And it will convince all of you that if someone like me can jog a mile, anyone can.


p.s. Remember when I said that I didn't need this blog for inspiration? I was wrong - if it wasn't for this thing I know I wouldn't be doing a darn thing. Losing weight is hard. In fact, sometimes I think this may end up being one of the hardest things I'll ever do...

Saturday's Warrior

Well, this week of running a mile is done. I went Monday & Wednesday skipped Friday and went today(Saturday). Though I was spitting less the runs didn't get any easier. I had to use every part of my will power to keep going at times. My body would say, "We're going to die!" and I'd have to keep saying, however feebly, "This will not kill us, it will only make us able to run up the stairs quickly, or jump up onto trampolines, or move with lightness."
I did notice my pacing got better. My run on Monday my pacing was all over the place. And I didn't feel I could control it - all I could do was put each foot in front of the other, over and over again. But today I felt better able to judge how my steps were settling into a pace. My average was 12:31 - though my time was two seconds faster. My garmon GPS said my fastest pace was 9:57 - that must have been for one split second somewhere along the way.

I think next week I will still run a mile. Just to get it under control a little better. So I don't feel on the verge of death so often too.

I am also looking into some 5k races that are in the fall. I'll decide on one soon and start looking ahead to that. Races always help in that way.

Back in my saddle again...

No, I didn't quit. I just went to a family reunion in Idaho and was gone for a total of two weeks. And though I did do some hiking, walking, biking, and swimming - I didn't do a lick of running. My trip did give me one valuable thing though - this photo Mike took of me and my hot sister in law. Can you guess which one I am? Just kidding. I was totally devastated when I saw it. Everyone knows that you really don't know what you look like until you see it in a photo or a video. Do you like how I am holding that pillow on my lap to hide my body a little more? Sad stuff, guys.

Before I left I did do one run - well, more a mix of running and walking. I would walk a quarter of a mile and then run that same amount- back and forth for a total of two miles. It was hard but it was ok. So tonight I hit the pavement - literally. I decided to try running outside instead of the treadmill. Sometimes it is so hard to keep going when you can just stare at the hundredths of a mile reading slowing ticking up.

It was a nice night and though I didn't like letting people see my bum jiggle, I was able to run a mile straight. My pacing was not that great - it ranged from 13 minute miles to 10 minute miles - gotta love those garmon GPS's! My face was red and I had a lot of gross stuff that I needed to spit out, but I made it. And I will do it again three more times this week. And hopefully by Saturday my face won't be as red and I won't have to spit quite as often.

Well, it's not much but it's something. I am ready to ditch walking and start slow slow jogging. I will be slow and I won't be able to get far but at least I'll be on my way...

Moving and not moving.

So, things are crazy here lately because we just moved from Texas to Utah. And because of that, I am more than a week behind on my running schedule. Thus my title - moving and not moving. The community we moved into has a little clubhouse with a workout room and yesterday I went to use the treadmill. I didn't get there until 10 PM because things are crazy with the move and having a new baby. I went in, turned on the TV and then a woman came in and said, "We're closed." She was the cleaning lady, there to lock up for the night. I felt a little defeated. So, I have to go today to make up for it. Before 10 o'clock at night too. And I'm hoping that this week I can finally see my scale end up in the 170's. I have a digital scale and I always see that number for a second and I hope it's going to stay but then it bumps up to 180.

It's totally frustrating to me that I can't break into the 170's. I was talking with a friend yesterday that said her mom would work and work after having a baby and nothing would move until at about 9 months when suddenly everything would just melt away. I like the sudden melting part of that story but not the 9 months. I just couldn't take it. Being overweight is really hard for me.

I do think though that hormones must be playing some role in this weight loss thing. I just don't see why my body is holding onto this weight so fiercely. But my feeling is that right now I have two parts of me playing tug of war. One side is my hormones saying, "Oh no you don't" and the other is my will power saying, "Watch me!" and in these next few weeks my will power is going to win this battle and pull my hormones right into the mud. Go will power!

Losing weight requires faith.

I've been really down about my weight lately. It's really hard on me to wake up every morning and have to put on my "clown pants" and tight shirts. I think I just keep expecting to wake up as my old self. I feel like a fairy tale character or something from a Miyazaki movie where some witch has put a curse on me and turned me into some ugly fat woman. Sometimes my body just feels so inescapable. I haven't lost weight in weeks and nothing seems to be working. I know that if I can just hold on it will start to slip away. Until then it is so difficult. For the first month after I had the baby I think I just ignored the way I look - hoping that it would change before I had to face the reality of it. But now I'm having to see myself as I really am and it's really really hard on me. It's times like these when people give up I guess. But luckily there is a glimmer of hope as I remember that I've been here before and lost it. I've been fat and then thin again. I can and will do it again. In the mean time I shouldn't treat myself as such an object. I shouldn't feel I only deserve love if I am a lovely object. I am not this body. The song "I am not my hair" by India Arie came into my mind today and I really should think of it more often as I'm trying to work through this...

Maiden voyage...

Today is my 29th birthday and it hit me hard how big I am. I just didn't want to be in my body today so this evening on my walk I pushed as hard as I could - which is about a 15 minute mile. It was really difficult! After a mile of that I thought, "Jogging can't be much harder than this..." So I started to jog a 12 minute mile. It was such a strange feeling since I've never gone running weighing 180 before. I felt like I was running through thigh-high sticky mud. Or with weights on my legs- which is pretty much what I've got - a lot of extra weight to lift on my legs. I ran that pace for a third of a mile and then went back to walking. In the end I felt pretty good. I got my endorphins going and I think I'm ready to up my workouts to 6 days a week. I just can't stand being this size!

Even though I was dead and far from ready to jog a lot - it felt great. I felt slightly normal again.





p.s. For my birthday I got some running clothes that fit and Mike got me this DVD to use on cross training days. After using it this is pretty much what I am going to look like:

How I became a runner...

I consider myself a runner. Even though I'm not running now and though I've never been amazing at it - a while back I got running into my blood and felt like I had become a runner. That feeling has never left me - thankfully. I always feel like I am returning to an old friend when I get back into it. And it's always there - waiting for me. This is the story of how that happened and some things I learned from that.

I used to hate walking. I'm too impatient for it. I know it's supposed to be a great workout and many people find pleasure in it but I'm in too much of a hurry to do it. Before I had kids and wanted to get into running, I'd just start jogging. So, about four months after I had Elijah when I realized breastfeeding alone was not going to get rid of my weight, I decided to go running.

I remember the night so clearly. I told Mike I was going running and strapped on my old running shoes from my single days. Mike said, "Oh! Alright" trying to hide his surprise and probably also knowing that I wouldn't make it very far. I stretched a little and walked out of my little apartment and down the stairs. I had no plan of where I was going - I just started across my parking lot. Honestly, I don't think I made it more than 400 yards before I HAD to stop. My lungs were burning, my mouth had the taste of blood in it, and with every step I took I felt like I was going to break my knees. And I was devastated. I thought, "What happened to me?" I slowly walked back to my apartment and told Mike what happened. I was totally caught by surprise. And it was almost half a year later before I tried it again.

About 5 months later some friends of mine said they had a little walking group that met every other day to go for walks. I decided to give it a try because the girl in charge(Alyson) was cool and I wanted to get to know her better. So for the next few weeks I met with a few other gals and we pushed our strollers around town for about an hour each time. I didn't think anything of it. I thought if it was doing anything at all - it wasn't much. At about that time I decided to have another go at that jogging thing. So, once again I strapped on those old shoes and headed out but this time I walked a mile first. And something had happened - jogging was EASY! No more wheezing or cramps or concrete legs - it was just ok. I only jogged one mile though so I wouldn't ruin it by pushing too far. And six months later I was running at least 4 miles a day and sometimes up to 10.

There are a few things I learned about running from that:

One - You have to walk before you run. Even though I hate walking it enables me to get into running so easily. When people tell me they've tried running but hated it - I wonder if they hadn't walked for a month first if their experience would have been different. And ANYONE can walk. So I have learned to really appreciate walking. I still get impatient but I know the only path to running begins with walking. And I know that with just a few weeks of it I'll be ready to go. I'm right in the middle of that now and I'm buzzing with excitement.

Two - While your old running shoes from years ago that you've been wearing with your jeans might be ok for a few runs - meaning like 3 - they could ultimately lead to your demise with running. The padding in them has been so compacted from wearing them for years that your body is taking the full brunt when it hits the concrete. Get some new shoes - nothing too expensive unless you know your feet have problems or something like that. And replace them about every six months. AND don't wear them for anything but running because that will just accelerete the compaction. AND get them at least one size bigger. I had always gotten my shoes right at my size and laced them up tight. Which meant that by the end of the run my toes were all curled up and the shoes were unbearably tight. Your feet expand while you run and need some room for that - don't worry, you won't get blisters! I have more to say about shoes but I'll save that for another post.

Three - You need to make a plan before you walk out that door. In fact, I'd say even before that. Finishing your runs well often takes every ounce of will power that you've got, so before you go you need to know how far and how fast you are planning to go. If you say to yourself, "I'm just gonna see how it goes and take it from there", then you won't get very far. I remember when Mike and I were training for our half marathon together we would usually do our long runs on a certain well marked path. But one Saturday I was bored and decided we should just run around town for a change of scenery. And while change is good, we wandered aimlessly around the streets of Provo and we felt terrible. We had no direction - no goal to work towards. Know how far, how fast and in what direction you are going to run and stick to it! I always make little charts that I can log my runs on and hang it on the fridge or by the back door. It is a key to my success.

Four - Even with preparation running is HARD. Taking it slow and easing into your mileage will make it a lot easier but in the end, almost every single run is hard. I thought eventually that getting out the door and hitting the pavement would be easy but it never was. It definitely got easier as it became part of my life but each and every run took serious will power. I have
memories of crying through my runs because I just wanted to quit so bad. Those usually happened to coincide with my cycle though. I have A LOT more to say about this but that also needs to be in another post.

Five - Running is rewarding. Not only will your mood improve significantly when you go running, but your life will. I remember hearing a story about a man who went to see his Bishop and said he wanted to leave his wife. The Bishop recommended that they start running - together. And it saved their marriage. There were more details to it but I totally believe that story. Running is hard and requires you to put your body in subjection to your spirit. It requires discipline and commitment. All things which I saw translate into the rest of my life making me a better wife, mother, & friend.

And that is why I run. I feel like running has been a gift in my life and plan on doing it as long as I can. And I am constantly trying to spread the gospel of running. So, anyone wanting to get into running? Let's do a race together this fall!

On being embarrassed while walking/running

Today I went out for my second 1 mile walk. Today I took it faster - 17:17 - and even though that is slow it kicked my trash. I wasn't breathing heavy but I did get a cramp making it feel like I couldn't take a deep breath. My legs felt like cement and were itchy too. But the hardest part was my embarrassment while out. My clothes are tight and my misshapen body is clearly visible because of that. There was a moment today when a young guy was out washing his car and I had to walk right past him when I wanted to start strolling or something just to not draw attention to myself. And then I thought, "I can worry about what the people I see today think about me or I can get working on a body that I don't have to be embarrassed of." And it worked - I walked past him - arms pumping and all. And it worked on the next person I saw standing in their lawn and watching me. And the guy who drove past and stared at me. Most likely, there was nothing else to look at but me. But even if they were thinking, "Hey, fat lady." and even if I never see them again and get to prove that I'm not really someone who is always fat but that I just had a baby - who the heck cares? Just get working.

First walk down.

So I went for my one mile walk yesterday. I wore Mike's GPS so I could know exactly how fast and how far I was going. And even though I took it at a complete stroll pace - meaning a 25 minute mile - I was so tired at the end. I didn't break a sweat and I didn't breathe heavy in any way - but my body was beat at the end. Isn't that sad? While I was out I walked past a building with a bunch of windows and I could see my reflection. I didn't even recognize myself. I was totally caught off guard by my size. And then later I had to wait to cross the street as some college girls drove by and I was so embarrassed of my size. I wanted to wear a shirt that had my story on there to excuse myself. I can't do that though so I have to get in gear and get rid of it. So, I think next time I'm gonna need to pick the pace up a bit so that I am ready to jog a mile in a few weeks. Though if I go really fast - like a 12 or 13 minute mile walk - that's harding than jogging.

And of course my bleeding started up a little bit, but I don't care. My body will just have to get used to it. I don't have any time to spare.

The dive and glide

I grew up down the street from the neighborhood swimming pool and have many memories of swimming and diving and general playing in the pool. In particular we kids would always challenge others to swim the length of the pool without taking a breath. I always prided myself on the fact that I could do it but I had a secret strategy. It was all about the dive. If you could dive in and glide really far without using much energy the rest of the pool was a cinch. If you had to start right in the water without any momentum the job was a lot harder.

After pregnancy those first few weeks are kind of like that dive. I always lose a lot of weight in that time and it gets me going so I can lose the rest. I also never really know how much extra fat I have to lose and how much was just water weight until that time. I remember after having Elijah - where I gained like 60 pounds - I lost 33 pounds in that first three weeks. With Andrew it was less but only because I only gained 36 pounds total - which was great for me. So this time I was anxious to see how much I could lose with the dive and glide. I was hoping to get to 169. That was probably a VERY unrealistic goal since that would have been like 40 pounds. It started ok - as you can see on my chart. But it must have been a bad dive because at about 2 weeks postpartum I stopped gliding. In the past 2 weeks my weight hasn't gone anywhere which means it's time to accept that I weight in the 180's - my Dad's weight when he's feeling too heavy - and get working. It's hard to accept but hopefully I can get swimming well enough to get my momentum going again so I don't have to accept that weight for too long....50 pounds to go!

Wish me luck!

Fat Blogger Gets Famous!

It seems someone else thought blogging would be a good way to chronicle weight loss...
This guy lost an amazing amount of weight and blogged about it all. The only problem is that it isn't as interesting to me now because he's done - that seems like a good reason to open this blog up to everyone I know. Still, here are some of his tips:

Fact Box
Muata Kamdibe's Tips

1. Calories count! If anyone tells you differently, keep your hand on your wallet and back away slowly. Feed your brain to lose the weight. Educate yourself about the weight-loss process to create your own way of eating.
2. Establish a realistic plan to accomplish your goals. Having an epiphany that you need to lose weight is not enough.
3. Lie to everyone else about your weight if you'd like, but there is no room for lying to yourself anymore.
4. Read both sides of the debate about saturated fat and cholesterol. There's more than enough information available to make an informed decision about a diet that is good for you.
5. If you can't do 20 strict form push-ups and chin-ups, then you shouldn't think about touching one dumbbell. Bodyweight exercises are enough to build the body that 90 percent of the fat guys and their women really want!

Well, I guess I'll go post about this on my other blog....here we go!

Well, I've started on my slimfast. I actually really like it because it takes the thinking out of the whole thing and it helps me remember how little I actually need to eat. I also use their website for motivation and more tips.

I've also come up with my running schedule to get me going. I love making charts and can't wait to get started with this one. Because I can't run before 6 weeks postpartum I'll be walking short distances for a few weeks. I am so out of shape that's the best way to start running anyhow. Here it is(click on it to see it larger):
In the bottom half of each box is the distance I'd like to go - and in the top half I fill in what I actually did that day. This is my first 6 weeks and I'm going to do it first thing in the morning to burn more fat. I also included a quote and some upcoming races to keep me focused and motivated. After a while I will choose a race to set as a goal and I'll let you all know about that.

Wow.

A few months back Mike and I were watching that show The Biggest Loser and I remember that there were some girls on there towards the end of season who were so happy with the weight they had lost and what they had achieved. I couldn't help thinking, "Well, gee, they're still like 185 pounds - they're still totally fat." I forgot about that until today.

I went to Target to get some clothes to fit into so I could stop wearing my maternity pants. While I was in the fitting room I happened to glance at my reflection in the mirror behind me. You know the kind of dressing room that has a mirror in front of you and behind so you can see your whole outfit? Well, that was the kind. And what did I see? Well, all I could say to myself was, "Wow." There in the mirror was one of those girls from TBL! And then I realized that I do now weigh in the 180's just like they did. And then I realized that if I was on that show that I would be one of those fat women pulling tires up the hill in all of their sick obesity. I was and still am flabbergasted. I had no idea what I had become. It was like seeing a stranger in the mirror. I came out feeling a little dazed and every few minutes I found myself uttering, "Wow." again under my breath. And thus it begins.

I went for a walk today and tonight I ate some celery with raisins and peanut butter instead of the cookies Mike made. I have 50 pounds to lose. Wow. Guess I better get started. What is the fastest that one can lose weight after having a baby? Is it possible to lose 50 pounds in like 4 months?

~Megan

p.s. I got size 16 pants - not size 14. Gee.

p.p.s. No, I do not think that girl in the photo is fat - I just couldn't find one of a girl before the show was over and they are still chubby.

Day 9 - 185 lbs.

So, this morning I put on some size 12 jeans - and they are way too small. But I didn't take them off - I'm just sitting here in front of the computer in a ridiculously tight pair of jeans. I'm not going anywhere so I figured it was ok. For some reason I like to do that to myself when I'm losing weight. It's almost like a reminder of how far I am from where I need to be. In this case I have to take it in smaller steps since size 12 is NOT where I normally like to be. But it feels like a slightly normal size when a size 14 or 16 is really getting into darker territory. I won't be happy until I am in a size 6. Now when I say, "happy" I don't mean happy - I mean satisfied with my weight. I'm pretty happy now - besides the fact that I'm crazy because of my changing hormones.

I wonder what the measurement differences are between a size 14 and a size 6. Hmm...

So I went and looked it up at GAP - since I usually wear and like their jeans the best. Here's the skinny - pun kind of intended...

So , let's see...

I have 5 .5 or 6 inches to lose on my hips - maybe more...and 6 inches on my waist - now I know this isn't right since I've got my "empty house" - a new term I learned for a postpartum belly. But those are some starting figures just to think about.


Since it has only been just over a week since the surgery, I am still not able to drive - let alone exercise. I am thinking in the next couple weeks I will start taking small slow walks. Then eventually get to my running. Until then...

Worst Nightmare

I always wonder if photojournalists get permission to take pictures of people like this. They aren't showing their head but I'm pretty sure if I saw a photo of me like that I'd know it was me.

It's one of my worst nightmares that I'd be looking through the news or watching a report on CNN on fat people and they are showing all of these big bums and I say "Hey, I have that bag!" or "I actually have some jeans like that." When all of a sudden it hits me that IT IS my bag or my jeans...and MY big bum!





Especially with this lady - yes, she's big, but give her a break - she's working on it! I am afraid my postpartum body will be worthy of one of these "obesity reports" that sport pictures like these.






Though this lady is committing double jeopardy holding that cigarette. They can use this photo for articles on obesity, smoking, or ones that talk about both...she really was asking for it.

Day Zero - 4 weeks left of pregnancy

Well, I've still got 4 weeks left and yet I've already hit the big number. I was hoping to finish at this to have a really clean number to start my descent from but alas...it may not happen. I think I'm actually 197 or something so perhaps I can keep it right around 200 still. The doctor told me today that the baby seems to be around 6 lbs. so I can at least count on losing that much! Actually, I don't think I'll really know what I'm dealing with until about 3 weeks after the baby is born. I usually shed quite a bit of weight until then and at that point it starts a much slower decent. I am excited though. For some reason I don't feel too depressed at this point. Well, most days I don't. I'm just sick of heaving my body around - trying to turn over in bed or to squat to look under the couch looking for little shoes. I am kind of excited for the journey I have ahead. Kind of like before a marathon. I am nervous but still confident that it can be done. And what exactly needs to be done, you ask? Well, my healthy weight, if I am exercising, is 130 lbs. on the dot. If I want to be HOT, you ask? I need to be 120-125 lbs. We'll start with 130 and go from there.

Now, on the subject of weighing 200 lbs. If someone had told me I was EVER going to weight that much - EVER in my life, unless I was having triplets or something, I wouldn't have believed them. Or maybe I would have believed but I would have been completely HORRIFIED. But when my weight just kept coming it was almost like I was in some sort of place where I couldn't feel depressed - I'm just too tired to get that worked up about it, I guess. I also didn't know it would be so easy to get to that weight. At the beginning of my pregnancy I was talking to a friend who had just had a baby and she told me she was weighing at around 210 when the baby was born - nearly 80 lbs. overweight. I was so flabbergasted that I just burst into laughter. I couldn't imagine someone my size weighing that incredible weight! And now, here I am! I was a little hesitant to share my real weight on here because I know some of you will be like me and think, "WOW! How on earth!?" but oh well, I laughed and now I will let you laugh too. And, it's not that interesting to read about a fat mom running off her weight if you don't know what that weight is! I am going to try and make this blog as candid as possible. Notice though, that this first picture is not a full body shot and it's taken from the side - I guess I'm not completely ready to put it all out there yet.

In any case, I'll update you with my final pregnancy weight in a few weeks. After that, this blog can really get going. So hold tight and come back in about a month and join me in my journey!