9/7/09

So...I'm fat.

Man, do you ever watch movies and after it's over have to realize you don't look like the main character in the movie? I do. Lately though, when I see a picture of myself I am reminded I don't look like my old self. You'd think by now I'd know what I look like but I try really really hard not to! Here's an image of me when I got home from my long run(which is only 4 miles) last Saturday. So, now you know...I'm still fat. And I'm really red and sweaty and ugly in this pic too. I wish I could find a recent pic the showed that I don't always look so terrible but I can't. Which is depressing and makes me wonder if I'll ever look better than this. I don't know why this surprises me though - I still have like 40 pounds to lose...

But it does. And I just want to crawl out of my flesh and into my old self and feel light and not take up so much universe. I want to be smaller. And just to make myself feel better...here's an old image of me when I wasn't fat. I LOVE looking at old pictures of me when I wasn't chubby. It helps me to visualize the idea of me being thin again. I also have cute hair, a cute sweater and make-up on in this pic. Which reminds me. I have been surprised as my mileage is going up at how much I am dealing with some serious demons. I am constantly fighting thoughts that I can't do it or actual unexplained fear. Isn't that strange? I have really figured that out yet...

p.s. I am grateful for a healthy body and for all of the other many blessings in my life. Just FYI. And someday I'll be as I was before...and I'll still think I'm fat.

13 comments:

Katie said...

After reading about how fat you feel or think you are, I was worried that when I saw you in person, that was all I would focus on. But it wasn't. Of course I noticed that you don't look exactly the same as you used to, but it just wasn't that big of a deal.

I'm glad you write honestly, because the rest of us feel this way sometimes too, but I hope you don't think that all people see is your extra weight. You are way more awesome than that!!

This is supposed to be inspiring :-D

Holladay Photo said...

awesome- the after run photo- i never feel attractive after i run- who the hec does? 4 miles is fantastic! i never run 4 miles- you are inspiring me...i've had a few friends rave about the barefoot running, but i don't know anybody in hawaii who does it on the road, we all run barefoot on the beach. the roads are too rough in our neighborhood for it, but it sounds cool!

Julie said...

I think its awesome that you are working so hard but you have to understand - you are NOT fat. The only way you will ever conquer your demons is to accept yourself how you are. Accept that you could become a triathlete and still not look like you did when you were 20. You have to be happy with who you are now or you will never be happy.

By the way - you look awesome right now. You are not fat. You look like a normal person, a strong mama of 4 who is healthy and strong and can freaking run 4 miles, which is not something I can do.

Being thin is not important. Being happy with who you are is. You know me, I used to be 105 lbs and wore a size 2. Now I am 150 and wear a size 10 (keep in mind I am short) and I haven't had 4 kids. I have had zero. People change, they get older, there bodies change. But seriously, I am happy. I am still beautiful - and I am still me. My fat arms don't matter. And neither do yours.

Beating yourself up and focusing on what you are not will not get you to your goal, it will be what defeats you. Being positive and empowered will only help you. Also - people perceive you how you perceive yourself. Be confident, be strong and no one is ever going to judge you based on your waistline.

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!

katieo said...

haha. We could be twins. Minus the red hair and cute workout tank. I'm only fitting into my husband's t-shirts at this point. I've got about 40 to lose and my long runs are four miles right now, too. oh, and I've got 4 kids.

Most days I just look in the mirror and think,
"I'm chubby. It's ok though. I'm workin' on it."
I'm trying to enjoy having bigger boobs and more curves. Other days I'm completely frustrated and impatient.

So all that is to say, hang in there, I know how you feel. You will get smaller.

katieo said...

p.s. my weight loss blog is private but if you want in email me at katieomiller (at) gmail (dot) com

if not - whatevs.

julie said...

You look like a woman who just did something great for herself...exhausted in good way. We judge ourselves so harshly. I think you look fantastic in the photo. You look like you just had a great workout!

I can understand where you are coming from though. I, too, am 40 pounds heavier than I used to be. I don't feel like me with the extra weight.

We'll get there.

Kathy said...

but you have big boobs :)

Katie said...

I posted my own red-face picture:

http://to5kandbeyond.blogspot.com/2009/09/red.html

a not so desperate housewife said...

it's official...we should be friends :)

megan said...

Calli - I just visited your blog and see that you are running too...wanna go together?

megan said...

Kathy - you are right - I do have big boobs. And when I'm skinny again they will be nothing more than strange empty sacks of skin. But I'd take those droopy boobies any day if it means my bum will be little too...

megan said...

I just realized I spelled your name wrong - Callie not Calli. Sorry, name misspellings are the worst...

Katie said...

Not to share TMI, but Megan's last comment is exactly why I'm terrified to ever get remarried!