Well, it's not much but it's something. I am ready to ditch walking and start slow slow jogging. I will be slow and I won't be able to get far but at least I'll be on my way...

Moving and not moving.

So, things are crazy here lately because we just moved from Texas to Utah. And because of that, I am more than a week behind on my running schedule. Thus my title - moving and not moving. The community we moved into has a little clubhouse with a workout room and yesterday I went to use the treadmill. I didn't get there until 10 PM because things are crazy with the move and having a new baby. I went in, turned on the TV and then a woman came in and said, "We're closed." She was the cleaning lady, there to lock up for the night. I felt a little defeated. So, I have to go today to make up for it. Before 10 o'clock at night too. And I'm hoping that this week I can finally see my scale end up in the 170's. I have a digital scale and I always see that number for a second and I hope it's going to stay but then it bumps up to 180.

It's totally frustrating to me that I can't break into the 170's. I was talking with a friend yesterday that said her mom would work and work after having a baby and nothing would move until at about 9 months when suddenly everything would just melt away. I like the sudden melting part of that story but not the 9 months. I just couldn't take it. Being overweight is really hard for me.

I do think though that hormones must be playing some role in this weight loss thing. I just don't see why my body is holding onto this weight so fiercely. But my feeling is that right now I have two parts of me playing tug of war. One side is my hormones saying, "Oh no you don't" and the other is my will power saying, "Watch me!" and in these next few weeks my will power is going to win this battle and pull my hormones right into the mud. Go will power!

Losing weight requires faith.

I've been really down about my weight lately. It's really hard on me to wake up every morning and have to put on my "clown pants" and tight shirts. I think I just keep expecting to wake up as my old self. I feel like a fairy tale character or something from a Miyazaki movie where some witch has put a curse on me and turned me into some ugly fat woman. Sometimes my body just feels so inescapable. I haven't lost weight in weeks and nothing seems to be working. I know that if I can just hold on it will start to slip away. Until then it is so difficult. For the first month after I had the baby I think I just ignored the way I look - hoping that it would change before I had to face the reality of it. But now I'm having to see myself as I really am and it's really really hard on me. It's times like these when people give up I guess. But luckily there is a glimmer of hope as I remember that I've been here before and lost it. I've been fat and then thin again. I can and will do it again. In the mean time I shouldn't treat myself as such an object. I shouldn't feel I only deserve love if I am a lovely object. I am not this body. The song "I am not my hair" by India Arie came into my mind today and I really should think of it more often as I'm trying to work through this...

Maiden voyage...

Today is my 29th birthday and it hit me hard how big I am. I just didn't want to be in my body today so this evening on my walk I pushed as hard as I could - which is about a 15 minute mile. It was really difficult! After a mile of that I thought, "Jogging can't be much harder than this..." So I started to jog a 12 minute mile. It was such a strange feeling since I've never gone running weighing 180 before. I felt like I was running through thigh-high sticky mud. Or with weights on my legs- which is pretty much what I've got - a lot of extra weight to lift on my legs. I ran that pace for a third of a mile and then went back to walking. In the end I felt pretty good. I got my endorphins going and I think I'm ready to up my workouts to 6 days a week. I just can't stand being this size!

Even though I was dead and far from ready to jog a lot - it felt great. I felt slightly normal again.





p.s. For my birthday I got some running clothes that fit and Mike got me this DVD to use on cross training days. After using it this is pretty much what I am going to look like:

How I became a runner...

I consider myself a runner. Even though I'm not running now and though I've never been amazing at it - a while back I got running into my blood and felt like I had become a runner. That feeling has never left me - thankfully. I always feel like I am returning to an old friend when I get back into it. And it's always there - waiting for me. This is the story of how that happened and some things I learned from that.

I used to hate walking. I'm too impatient for it. I know it's supposed to be a great workout and many people find pleasure in it but I'm in too much of a hurry to do it. Before I had kids and wanted to get into running, I'd just start jogging. So, about four months after I had Elijah when I realized breastfeeding alone was not going to get rid of my weight, I decided to go running.

I remember the night so clearly. I told Mike I was going running and strapped on my old running shoes from my single days. Mike said, "Oh! Alright" trying to hide his surprise and probably also knowing that I wouldn't make it very far. I stretched a little and walked out of my little apartment and down the stairs. I had no plan of where I was going - I just started across my parking lot. Honestly, I don't think I made it more than 400 yards before I HAD to stop. My lungs were burning, my mouth had the taste of blood in it, and with every step I took I felt like I was going to break my knees. And I was devastated. I thought, "What happened to me?" I slowly walked back to my apartment and told Mike what happened. I was totally caught by surprise. And it was almost half a year later before I tried it again.

About 5 months later some friends of mine said they had a little walking group that met every other day to go for walks. I decided to give it a try because the girl in charge(Alyson) was cool and I wanted to get to know her better. So for the next few weeks I met with a few other gals and we pushed our strollers around town for about an hour each time. I didn't think anything of it. I thought if it was doing anything at all - it wasn't much. At about that time I decided to have another go at that jogging thing. So, once again I strapped on those old shoes and headed out but this time I walked a mile first. And something had happened - jogging was EASY! No more wheezing or cramps or concrete legs - it was just ok. I only jogged one mile though so I wouldn't ruin it by pushing too far. And six months later I was running at least 4 miles a day and sometimes up to 10.

There are a few things I learned about running from that:

One - You have to walk before you run. Even though I hate walking it enables me to get into running so easily. When people tell me they've tried running but hated it - I wonder if they hadn't walked for a month first if their experience would have been different. And ANYONE can walk. So I have learned to really appreciate walking. I still get impatient but I know the only path to running begins with walking. And I know that with just a few weeks of it I'll be ready to go. I'm right in the middle of that now and I'm buzzing with excitement.

Two - While your old running shoes from years ago that you've been wearing with your jeans might be ok for a few runs - meaning like 3 - they could ultimately lead to your demise with running. The padding in them has been so compacted from wearing them for years that your body is taking the full brunt when it hits the concrete. Get some new shoes - nothing too expensive unless you know your feet have problems or something like that. And replace them about every six months. AND don't wear them for anything but running because that will just accelerete the compaction. AND get them at least one size bigger. I had always gotten my shoes right at my size and laced them up tight. Which meant that by the end of the run my toes were all curled up and the shoes were unbearably tight. Your feet expand while you run and need some room for that - don't worry, you won't get blisters! I have more to say about shoes but I'll save that for another post.

Three - You need to make a plan before you walk out that door. In fact, I'd say even before that. Finishing your runs well often takes every ounce of will power that you've got, so before you go you need to know how far and how fast you are planning to go. If you say to yourself, "I'm just gonna see how it goes and take it from there", then you won't get very far. I remember when Mike and I were training for our half marathon together we would usually do our long runs on a certain well marked path. But one Saturday I was bored and decided we should just run around town for a change of scenery. And while change is good, we wandered aimlessly around the streets of Provo and we felt terrible. We had no direction - no goal to work towards. Know how far, how fast and in what direction you are going to run and stick to it! I always make little charts that I can log my runs on and hang it on the fridge or by the back door. It is a key to my success.

Four - Even with preparation running is HARD. Taking it slow and easing into your mileage will make it a lot easier but in the end, almost every single run is hard. I thought eventually that getting out the door and hitting the pavement would be easy but it never was. It definitely got easier as it became part of my life but each and every run took serious will power. I have
memories of crying through my runs because I just wanted to quit so bad. Those usually happened to coincide with my cycle though. I have A LOT more to say about this but that also needs to be in another post.

Five - Running is rewarding. Not only will your mood improve significantly when you go running, but your life will. I remember hearing a story about a man who went to see his Bishop and said he wanted to leave his wife. The Bishop recommended that they start running - together. And it saved their marriage. There were more details to it but I totally believe that story. Running is hard and requires you to put your body in subjection to your spirit. It requires discipline and commitment. All things which I saw translate into the rest of my life making me a better wife, mother, & friend.

And that is why I run. I feel like running has been a gift in my life and plan on doing it as long as I can. And I am constantly trying to spread the gospel of running. So, anyone wanting to get into running? Let's do a race together this fall!

On being embarrassed while walking/running

Today I went out for my second 1 mile walk. Today I took it faster - 17:17 - and even though that is slow it kicked my trash. I wasn't breathing heavy but I did get a cramp making it feel like I couldn't take a deep breath. My legs felt like cement and were itchy too. But the hardest part was my embarrassment while out. My clothes are tight and my misshapen body is clearly visible because of that. There was a moment today when a young guy was out washing his car and I had to walk right past him when I wanted to start strolling or something just to not draw attention to myself. And then I thought, "I can worry about what the people I see today think about me or I can get working on a body that I don't have to be embarrassed of." And it worked - I walked past him - arms pumping and all. And it worked on the next person I saw standing in their lawn and watching me. And the guy who drove past and stared at me. Most likely, there was nothing else to look at but me. But even if they were thinking, "Hey, fat lady." and even if I never see them again and get to prove that I'm not really someone who is always fat but that I just had a baby - who the heck cares? Just get working.

First walk down.

So I went for my one mile walk yesterday. I wore Mike's GPS so I could know exactly how fast and how far I was going. And even though I took it at a complete stroll pace - meaning a 25 minute mile - I was so tired at the end. I didn't break a sweat and I didn't breathe heavy in any way - but my body was beat at the end. Isn't that sad? While I was out I walked past a building with a bunch of windows and I could see my reflection. I didn't even recognize myself. I was totally caught off guard by my size. And then later I had to wait to cross the street as some college girls drove by and I was so embarrassed of my size. I wanted to wear a shirt that had my story on there to excuse myself. I can't do that though so I have to get in gear and get rid of it. So, I think next time I'm gonna need to pick the pace up a bit so that I am ready to jog a mile in a few weeks. Though if I go really fast - like a 12 or 13 minute mile walk - that's harding than jogging.

And of course my bleeding started up a little bit, but I don't care. My body will just have to get used to it. I don't have any time to spare.