Have you given up on me - because I'm still here?!

Yes, I'm still here and working out and trying to keep things up - I just didn't have the time/energy to keep this blog up. But hopefully with the holidays over I can once again. I haven't been running any marathons or anything but I've been trying to walk a few times a week and just be more active in general. The sick part of pregnancy gets you into this "do as little as possible" mode and it takes some adjustment to get out of it. But overall I'm feeling really good. I haven't weighed myself for a couple weeks - I just didn't want to ruin my Christmas! So welcome back!

Tricks or treats?

Ok, so I'm pretty proud of myself because I've made it 5 days so far without eating any Halloween candy. Also, I'm doing pretty well on that new diet thing. For breakfast I have a slimfast by itself and then for lunch I have a slimfast with half a turkey sandwich. Today I added a frozen banana to the shake in the blender and it totally tastes like a good milkshake. Then in the afternoon I can have a snack if I can find anything healthy that sounds good. For dinner I just eat a healthier dinner. I'm not eating just a chicken breast with veggies - I'm eating pretty normally. And my rules don't apply to dinner. If we have pasta and it has some cheese in it I still eat it. So far it has been helping. For a couple weeks there my weight was slowly creeping up. But now the upwards trend has stopped and in fact I've gone back down a few pounds. If that worries you, know that what I weigh now is exactly what I weighed the night before I had Andrew. And I had gained 36 pounds with that pregnancy. So, I'm good. My ultimate goal would be to stay where I am for the rest of the pregnancy. That would mean losing weight because I will be gaining blood and tissue - and of course a bigger baby along the way.

My exercise has been nonexistent this week. I have tried not to lay around as much but I haven't made it over to the gym for almost 7 days. But I'm ok - I'm going tonight. I think it's important not to get down about missing. All that will come of it is that you'll miss more. So I just say, "Whoops, I need to get over to the gym!" So, anyhow...how are you guys doing?

slim me up fast

Ok, so in an effort to slow the steady rise on my bathroom scale, I started slimfast. I know, typically people don't do that when they are pregnant, but I assure you that I have gained enough weight for two healthy pregnancies and that the baby will get plenty from the slimfast. As will I, actually. So far, it's working. And even though I have been in the typical I'm not getting enough to eat mood, I'm glad it is. My body will realize in the next little while that it doesn't require an eighth of what it thinks it does. So...until next time ladies...

I'm back...but still fat.

I'm gonna keep on going here - at least for a while...

I'm actually feeling better already. Im 12 weeks but usually my sickness lasts until 16 weeks. Now I'm only sick in the mornings - and anyone can handle that!

When ever I'm trying to lose weight I make littler inspiration sheets to hang up in the kitchen. I made this today for inspiration:



I'm pretty happy about it. Now to see if it will work! I went jogging/walking today. It was the first time since I got sick a couple months ago - I've just been swimming. It was HARD. But my body could use a little more HARD!!!

mini-me and my vain blog

While browsing through some old photos I found this one of me from Thanksgiving 2 years ago. It's mini-me! It has gotten to the point lately where I can't remember what I used to look like and also can't believe I'll ever be my old self again. I need images like this to give me faith that I can do it!

So, I've been swimming still and I'm becoming a big fan. I like how I don't get hot and my joints don't hurt. I also like the sound of the water. After I'm not sick anymore we'll see if I'm up for some jogging as well.

And finally, lately I've been wondering how vain this blog is. I know that happiness is not based on weight or pants size and so I don't want this to seem an obsession with either. I was hoping this would detail my journey back to a healthier, fitter me. But sometimes it digresses and becomes about weight. This past weekend I was visiting my in-laws and in their church congregation is a young mother who just found out she only has a few months left of her life. I felt terrible realizing how petty I've become lately. Feeling like a true blessing is more a trial. These things I worry about aren't really important. I hope that after reading this blog you don't get off and feel worse about yourself. That you aren't overly concerned about your body. My original hope was just the opposite. That you'd see that if I could get healthy - anyone could. I still believe that being healthy is really important - that keeping my body in shape will make the rest of my life more full - and that of my family's as well. I need to remember that. Especially on days where I feel like it's me against the candy bar. Anyhow, just some thoughts...

Well, well, well...

If you hadn't heard yet - this story of weight loss just got a lot longer. I found out about a month ago that I am pregnant again. That would be a great joke, wouldn't it? But I'm not kidding, it's true. Even though I've know for a while it still feels insane to write that. Anyhow, I'm not really sure what I'm going to do with those races. I am pretty sure the Halloween one is off. I have just been too sick. I am swimming because it is the only thing that doesn't sound too bad. The cool water makes me feel better. Though the other night I pushed a little too hard and wanted to die for the rest of the night. So, I'll be having this baby before my current one even turns one. Talk about being fat. My goal is to gain less than 10 lbs. I really shouldn't gain ANY since I'm currently 40 pounds overweight. We'll see. I will be happy with just gaining ten or less because I'd actually need to lose some fat in order to accomplish that.

Wow. This is crazy, isn't it? Three pregnancies in a row can get old real quick.


p.s. Of course it wasn't planned!

WAKE-UP CALL...or a lot can happen in a year.

This week has been disastrous for my training. I had a great workout on Tuesday and was feeling great and then I never went after that. I was ready to wipe the week from the books and not let it get me down when I saw this photo of me. This is from my church activity tonight. Now, I'm a photographer so I know about camera distortion but this ain't that. This is all me and this is a wake-up call. When I first saw this I was totally horrified. But why am I surprised? Do I think you can be 40 pounds overweight and only look slightly bigger than you normally do? Wow. Ok, it's time to stop fooling around. It's time to look at this photo every day instead of the quick glance in the mirror standing in a strange pose to look as thin as possible.

Just for some perspective here are some old photos of me.
This is my wedding day. I was skinny. I have always been terrified that someday some friend of my kids would come over and see my wedding picture and say, "Who's that?" and when they hear it's me say, "That's your mom?!" So floored that I was once thin. That cannot happen! Or would that be possible already? Maybe.
Here's a cheesy one of me but I just remember feeling soo huge and fat that day. If only I could go back to that!

And this is about a month after my miscarriage and two months before I got pregnant with this last one - in June of last summer. I was probably about 15 pounds heavier than normal. I saw this picture and was mortified by my size. I was so sad that you could see the outline of my gut. And now? I only dream of being that size. Will it ever come back?


I have a ways to go.

Cindy's tri

A friend of mine just ran in a tri and posted about it on her blog. She didn't train before and the results are quite entertaining. Check it out!

The bees knees...

I am happy to say that I think my knee problem is under control. First thing I did was get some new shoes from the Runner's Corner. I love that place. They once again looked at my running cadence or whatever you call it. And because of their recommendation, I always get my running shoes bigger than my normal size(size 8) and this time the shoes I ended up with are a size 10! And they feel awesome...

Another trick the guys gave me at the store was to put the treadmill at a slight incline - like really slight - a 1.0. That way the ball of my foot would be hitting the belt first. And that, put together with the new shoes, has alleviated the pain! Finally!

Anyhow, overall the training is going well - slowly but well. I definitely have down days/times where I am so frustrated with my size/weight where all I want to do is sit in front of the TV and be angry. But luckily I recognize them for what they are and it helps them to pass more quickly. For now, at least.

Anyhow, how are you guys doing? Especially you Stephanie...where are you!?

I have found my tri.

Today was my first official day of training and it got me excited to find a race. I went to this website and looked for one. I wanted something soon enough to keep more going so I was a little bummed to see that the last race of this year is in November down in St. George and that the first one of next year isn't until June. Hmm...if I follow my 13 week plan strictly that takes me to the first week in December but that just won't do so...I am going to shorten my training to two months so I can run in a closer triathlon in Orem. It is a pool swim and it's the last thing you do so you don't have to worry about your hair freezing.

Though it's 9 weeks instead of 13 I think I can do it...heck, I'm still in my twenties - I better be able to! Anyone else want to join me?

this morning...

The spanish fork half marathon and 5k...

And no, I wasn't running. My husband was.
It was fun to be out there. It made me remember that I committed to do a race just like this in about five weeks. I need to get going. This week has been a hard one. I swam on Monday and then did nothing for the rest of the week. I am really getting bummed about the lack of movement in my weight. Oh well. I guess I just have to keep going - not worrying about the number on the scale. I definitely won't get thin and fit doing nothing...

just a couple things

I did my bike routine today - just to see where I was at. I biked for just under 30 minutes at level 5 - totaling 10 miles. It wasn't bad. My question is, are the calorie counters on that thing for real? It said I had burned like over 700 calories. I'm betting that is a little of an overstatement. I wish it weren't.

As for calories, I have a friend who has lost tons of weight and her main objective when going to the gym is to burn as many calories as possible. And it has been really successful for her but I just can't work out that way. I think I would go crazy. I need a race - an actual physical goal or event I am working towards. Weight loss or calories is not enough for me. My workouts need to be more utilitarian than that. Like I'm not going to use a rowing machine unless I want to row somewhere eventually. That's why I hadn't gone swimming or used a stationary bike until this week. Now that I know I've got a race doing those things - it makes sense to me. Do you feel the same way?

Here is a plan I found online* for training - it's a 13 week plan. I think I'll start that as soon as I get to consistently running for 20-30 minutes at a 10-12 minute mile pace.

one more thing - have you seen oprah's food journal? That woman doesn't eat anything! It seems it is time for me to really take stock of how much I eat. Do you eat a lot more than her too? I may just have to keep a food journal as well...

*to see the plan scroll down a bit on that page.

Update - I just found an online free food journal and punched in what I've eaten so far today. I'm already up at 819 calories and 14.4 grams of fat today. It also has tons of other features -like it tracks your measurements, weight, moods, etc. I'm already totally hooked. I just want them to have a widget for my blog!

Try-athlon

Inspired by the women's olympic triathlon, my best friend Marisa's first tri this past weekend, and lean swimmer bodies, I've decided that I'm going to set my sights on a higher goal. I love to run but honestly running a marathon has always sounded a bit boring. I know it's an amazing accomplishment but I find myself more drawn to adventure style races. And that's why triathlons have always seemed really fun. I always figured that races like that would have to wait until I was in my top form but Marisa told me that her friend went from barely running a mile to finishing a triathlon in under two hours in just two and a half months.

So...swim, fat mom, swim - and pedal too - I'm training for a triathlon! I figure I'll train over the winter months so that next spring I can kick trash in a race near here. Now, when I say triathlon - I'm talking about a triathlon sprint - which is a half mile swim, 12 mile bike, and a 6 or less mile run. The ironman will have to wait.

One thing that has always scared me away from triathlons is the swimming. I'm a terrible swimmer. But I decided it was time to grow up, don a swimsuit, and give it another go. So tonight I headed over to our pool to swim some laps. I asked Marisa the other night how much she swam when she first started training for the race. She told me 18 laps in an olympic length pool - which would be 36 in the pool in my community. Wowzer! When I went over tonight I had no idea if I could even swim more than 5 laps. The pool had not one but two young couples swimming and hugging and giggling(separately of course). The voices in my head imagined the young lovers looking at me and the girls thinking, "Gosh, I'm so glad I don't look like that." That's not helpful, I need to work on that. I really let my pessimistic voices run wild when I get in a swimsuit.

Anyhow, I put on my seven-year-old's goggles, and shoved off. Swimming freestyle, the first 3 laps were the hardest. I felt like I was near drowning as I gasped for air and splashed down the lane with hair constantly in my face(time to order a swimcap). I was a definite shark magnet too with all of my flailing and kicking. Though, after a little while I got into the rhythym of it and was able to breathe a little easier. And I kept going and was able to swim 36 laps! Now, that was really exciting for me. Though I have to admit that I can barely type because my right arm is constantly cramping. I'm sure tomorrow I'm gonna be in a world of pain but it's ok. I'm training for a triathlon!

Oh my goodness - I just got back from my run and I can't believe that the music made such a difference! I ran at a 12 minute mile pace instead of a 14 min pace. And since I was alone in the gym I was pretty much dancing through a lot of my run. Some of the lines that really inspired me today were:

I'm a survivor,
I'm not gonna give up,
I'm not gon' stop,
I'm gonna work harder,
I'm a survivor,
I'm gonna make it,
I will survive,
Keep on survivin' ,

Survivor - Destiny's Child

Does the way I wear my hair make me a better person?
Does the way I wear my hair make me a better friend?
Does the way I wear my hair determine my integrity?
(I always substituted my body in place of hair in this song.)

I am not my hair - India Arie

In fact, Survivor saved me because it came right when I wanted to give up and when that chorus started I was totally lovin' it. I am totally listening to music next time!

We've got the beat...

Music can be really motivating when you are running but at the same time sometimes a song can really slow you down. For me it has to be a perfect combination of the beat, the lyrics, and the overall feeling. I can't pinpoint one perfect combination - sometimes it's a happy song, sometimes it's not. There are a few songs that work almost every time for me - at least lately. I really love running to Madonna's "Hung Up" and OkGo's "Here it Goes Again" - probably because of the amazing video(see below). But sometimes a song really revs me up and I want to start throwing my fists around and jumping on each and every step - Foreigner's songs always seem to do that for me. I am a complete fanatic for the song "Cold as Ice". You better believe I'm breaking out both the air guitar and the air piano on that one. Today I'm gonna try running to Destiny's Child, "Survivor" because it will make me feel like I'm really working towards something. We'll see how it works...

What about you - what songs really hit the spot for you during your runs?

Bummer of a week

This week has been a hard one. I made that chart and for the first few days I was following the curve and then my curve started right back up again. I want to think that the chart was achievable and that if I start working harder I can catch up. I sure hope so.

I was so bummed that I didn't really do anything all this week until today. Finally, this morning I watched the women's triathlon on the olympics online and it inspired me. So I packed the kids up and took them all to our little community gym. I'd done that once before and it wasn't so bad. Today it was actually good. I turned on the cartoons - gave Peter a few toys and hopped on the treadmill. My knees were feeling better. I think the break from jogging helped.

Also, I'm sick of working out in the evenings. It's so easy to skip, let alone have the mental stamina that late in the day. Today I was able to jog 1.5 miles. It felt great actually. I haven't run with music yet and I think that might give me the extra boost I need. Next time I'll bring along the ipod.

A dream is a wish your heart makes...

Have you ever had one of those dreams where you just didn't want to wake up because it was so great? Well, I had one of those last night. I dreamed I was running along a trail in the forest with a group of people. And at first I was a little nervous because I knew I hadn't been running much and didn't think I'd be able to go very far . Luckily though, in my dream I was running with a great partner who kept me going - who happened to be Tom Cruise. And I realized I was actually feeling great. Also, Tom was telling me I was doing great and encouraged me to keep going and we ran several miles together at a great pace. Now, why Tom cruise? I have no idea because he kind of bugs me - though I was giving him some marriage advice for he and Katie. But unlike a lot of dreams where you feel like you can't run - I felt like I was sailing across the pavement. It was glorious. I only wish it was a reality. I have running dreams like that a good amount when I'm starting to get back into it. They usually involve an old high school coach who intimidated me quite a bit. In those dreams I'm always going back and working really hard and knocking his socks off. Something I failed to do when I was in high school. So, I'll take kooky Tom Cruise any day. Actually, there was a part of my dream where Tom wanted me to stop by his church so I could listen to a lesson on Scientology. I was a little apprehensive but kind of excited by the weirdness of it all. Unfortunately my run was cut short when I heard my three month old crying - waking me up for the morning.
As for reality...my knees are still hurting a good amount. I have had pains before but this one doesn't go away even when I stop running. So I looked it up and read that it has to do with my lack of quadricep muscle support for my knees. I need to strengthen that. Tonight I went to get on the treadmill - hoping that the pain wouldn't be too bad. But it was and so I hopped on over to the elliptical. I have never run on an elliptical before but it was actually great. My knees didn't hurt at all but my quads were burning and it was hard! So, I "ran" a mile on that and plan on working on my quad strength and resting my knees for a week or so in hopes that I can get back into jogging without losing any momentum but losing the pain.

And tonight I drew up a weight loss chart which my friend Jamie has been telling me to do and I'm glad I finally did. It was fun and it made me excited to see where I can be if I'll stop my snacking and work harder. Here it is:
It puts me at losing my weight by the 31st of October. That's just about 3 pounds a week which is pretty aggressive but completely doable...right? Really, I just ran out of room on the poster. I couldn't fit any more days on there but didn't want my chart to end above my goal weight so...

Wish me luck! I'll keep you posted.

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When your fast asleep
In dreams you will lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for you keep

Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling through
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
The dream that you wish will come true.

Racing.

I went running again tonight and I realized it's time to choose my first foray back into the world of racing. Races are fun and can really get you motivated. Next spring I hope to run in the Rex Lee Run so I can finally get a coveted Rex Lee Run tee. When I was in college those were the cool of the cool.

My first race outside of school was after I had my first son and finally got into running for real. I ran in a 5k at BYU and though I wasn't fast - somewhere around 9 minute miles - it was a lot of fun. The next race I entered was a half marathon - jumping up in mileage way too fast. Which meant that I cried during more than one workout - and hated almost every step of that race. I did terribly in this one even though I trained like crazy. It happens to be called "The toughest half marathon in the northwest." I didn't take that too literally - though I should have. The first eight miles you gain 2000 feet and then the last 5 you lose 1700 feet. But the worst part was that the race shirt didn't even say half marathon on it so I couldn't wear it to show off! C'mon, we all know we race for the glory of the t-shirts! I wish I would have just chosen a regular half so that I could have felt good about my performance. Someday I'll beat that race.And this time around I've chosen an evening race. Not that I was looking for one - it just happens to fall at a time when I think I might be ready by. A Halloween race in American Fork. See you there? Should we dress up? I think so. I can't wait to plan my costume.
Someday I hope to have a place in my budget called "race money" so that I can race all the time. I hope to run fast like my best friend Marisa - she got first place in her age group and third place in a race not too long ago. She was only beat by a couple teenage girls! Now that's hot! I also hope to run in one of those races in the woods someday where you have to run through streams and mud and jump over things. What are those called? They've always seemed really interesting. And I also want to participate in a few bi/triathlons. I want to be cool like that. I love dreaming of being a hot running mom...

Breakthrough - finally...

I don't know if I'll do these video journals every time - it might start to get old real fast. But, today I DID NOT want to go on my run. My oldest son kept asking, "Mom, when are you going on your run?" because he wanted to ride his bike with me and I kept snapping back at him, "I don't know!" So, making the video gave me some motivation because it made it kind of introspective...here it is:(why does it have to freeze frame on my eyes half closed?)


I then walked slowly over to the trail head and stretched for a good ten minutes - not because I'm a diligent stretcher - I should be - but it was to put off my jog for a few more minutes. here's my after video:



Good luck ladies. Let me know how your workouts are going. I'm also looking at some races in October if anyone (or everyone's) in!? Today I am starting to have a glimmer of vision of me as a runner...

Tender Mercies - 176.0 lbs.

I hesitate to share this video because I am so huge in it but that's kinda the point, isn't it? I thought I could start doing video journals so everyone could see me in motion - it's a little more interesting that way. And it will convince all of you that if someone like me can jog a mile, anyone can.


p.s. Remember when I said that I didn't need this blog for inspiration? I was wrong - if it wasn't for this thing I know I wouldn't be doing a darn thing. Losing weight is hard. In fact, sometimes I think this may end up being one of the hardest things I'll ever do...

Saturday's Warrior

Well, this week of running a mile is done. I went Monday & Wednesday skipped Friday and went today(Saturday). Though I was spitting less the runs didn't get any easier. I had to use every part of my will power to keep going at times. My body would say, "We're going to die!" and I'd have to keep saying, however feebly, "This will not kill us, it will only make us able to run up the stairs quickly, or jump up onto trampolines, or move with lightness."
I did notice my pacing got better. My run on Monday my pacing was all over the place. And I didn't feel I could control it - all I could do was put each foot in front of the other, over and over again. But today I felt better able to judge how my steps were settling into a pace. My average was 12:31 - though my time was two seconds faster. My garmon GPS said my fastest pace was 9:57 - that must have been for one split second somewhere along the way.

I think next week I will still run a mile. Just to get it under control a little better. So I don't feel on the verge of death so often too.

I am also looking into some 5k races that are in the fall. I'll decide on one soon and start looking ahead to that. Races always help in that way.

Back in my saddle again...

No, I didn't quit. I just went to a family reunion in Idaho and was gone for a total of two weeks. And though I did do some hiking, walking, biking, and swimming - I didn't do a lick of running. My trip did give me one valuable thing though - this photo Mike took of me and my hot sister in law. Can you guess which one I am? Just kidding. I was totally devastated when I saw it. Everyone knows that you really don't know what you look like until you see it in a photo or a video. Do you like how I am holding that pillow on my lap to hide my body a little more? Sad stuff, guys.

Before I left I did do one run - well, more a mix of running and walking. I would walk a quarter of a mile and then run that same amount- back and forth for a total of two miles. It was hard but it was ok. So tonight I hit the pavement - literally. I decided to try running outside instead of the treadmill. Sometimes it is so hard to keep going when you can just stare at the hundredths of a mile reading slowing ticking up.

It was a nice night and though I didn't like letting people see my bum jiggle, I was able to run a mile straight. My pacing was not that great - it ranged from 13 minute miles to 10 minute miles - gotta love those garmon GPS's! My face was red and I had a lot of gross stuff that I needed to spit out, but I made it. And I will do it again three more times this week. And hopefully by Saturday my face won't be as red and I won't have to spit quite as often.

Well, it's not much but it's something. I am ready to ditch walking and start slow slow jogging. I will be slow and I won't be able to get far but at least I'll be on my way...

Moving and not moving.

So, things are crazy here lately because we just moved from Texas to Utah. And because of that, I am more than a week behind on my running schedule. Thus my title - moving and not moving. The community we moved into has a little clubhouse with a workout room and yesterday I went to use the treadmill. I didn't get there until 10 PM because things are crazy with the move and having a new baby. I went in, turned on the TV and then a woman came in and said, "We're closed." She was the cleaning lady, there to lock up for the night. I felt a little defeated. So, I have to go today to make up for it. Before 10 o'clock at night too. And I'm hoping that this week I can finally see my scale end up in the 170's. I have a digital scale and I always see that number for a second and I hope it's going to stay but then it bumps up to 180.

It's totally frustrating to me that I can't break into the 170's. I was talking with a friend yesterday that said her mom would work and work after having a baby and nothing would move until at about 9 months when suddenly everything would just melt away. I like the sudden melting part of that story but not the 9 months. I just couldn't take it. Being overweight is really hard for me.

I do think though that hormones must be playing some role in this weight loss thing. I just don't see why my body is holding onto this weight so fiercely. But my feeling is that right now I have two parts of me playing tug of war. One side is my hormones saying, "Oh no you don't" and the other is my will power saying, "Watch me!" and in these next few weeks my will power is going to win this battle and pull my hormones right into the mud. Go will power!

Losing weight requires faith.

I've been really down about my weight lately. It's really hard on me to wake up every morning and have to put on my "clown pants" and tight shirts. I think I just keep expecting to wake up as my old self. I feel like a fairy tale character or something from a Miyazaki movie where some witch has put a curse on me and turned me into some ugly fat woman. Sometimes my body just feels so inescapable. I haven't lost weight in weeks and nothing seems to be working. I know that if I can just hold on it will start to slip away. Until then it is so difficult. For the first month after I had the baby I think I just ignored the way I look - hoping that it would change before I had to face the reality of it. But now I'm having to see myself as I really am and it's really really hard on me. It's times like these when people give up I guess. But luckily there is a glimmer of hope as I remember that I've been here before and lost it. I've been fat and then thin again. I can and will do it again. In the mean time I shouldn't treat myself as such an object. I shouldn't feel I only deserve love if I am a lovely object. I am not this body. The song "I am not my hair" by India Arie came into my mind today and I really should think of it more often as I'm trying to work through this...

Maiden voyage...

Today is my 29th birthday and it hit me hard how big I am. I just didn't want to be in my body today so this evening on my walk I pushed as hard as I could - which is about a 15 minute mile. It was really difficult! After a mile of that I thought, "Jogging can't be much harder than this..." So I started to jog a 12 minute mile. It was such a strange feeling since I've never gone running weighing 180 before. I felt like I was running through thigh-high sticky mud. Or with weights on my legs- which is pretty much what I've got - a lot of extra weight to lift on my legs. I ran that pace for a third of a mile and then went back to walking. In the end I felt pretty good. I got my endorphins going and I think I'm ready to up my workouts to 6 days a week. I just can't stand being this size!

Even though I was dead and far from ready to jog a lot - it felt great. I felt slightly normal again.





p.s. For my birthday I got some running clothes that fit and Mike got me this DVD to use on cross training days. After using it this is pretty much what I am going to look like:

How I became a runner...

I consider myself a runner. Even though I'm not running now and though I've never been amazing at it - a while back I got running into my blood and felt like I had become a runner. That feeling has never left me - thankfully. I always feel like I am returning to an old friend when I get back into it. And it's always there - waiting for me. This is the story of how that happened and some things I learned from that.

I used to hate walking. I'm too impatient for it. I know it's supposed to be a great workout and many people find pleasure in it but I'm in too much of a hurry to do it. Before I had kids and wanted to get into running, I'd just start jogging. So, about four months after I had Elijah when I realized breastfeeding alone was not going to get rid of my weight, I decided to go running.

I remember the night so clearly. I told Mike I was going running and strapped on my old running shoes from my single days. Mike said, "Oh! Alright" trying to hide his surprise and probably also knowing that I wouldn't make it very far. I stretched a little and walked out of my little apartment and down the stairs. I had no plan of where I was going - I just started across my parking lot. Honestly, I don't think I made it more than 400 yards before I HAD to stop. My lungs were burning, my mouth had the taste of blood in it, and with every step I took I felt like I was going to break my knees. And I was devastated. I thought, "What happened to me?" I slowly walked back to my apartment and told Mike what happened. I was totally caught by surprise. And it was almost half a year later before I tried it again.

About 5 months later some friends of mine said they had a little walking group that met every other day to go for walks. I decided to give it a try because the girl in charge(Alyson) was cool and I wanted to get to know her better. So for the next few weeks I met with a few other gals and we pushed our strollers around town for about an hour each time. I didn't think anything of it. I thought if it was doing anything at all - it wasn't much. At about that time I decided to have another go at that jogging thing. So, once again I strapped on those old shoes and headed out but this time I walked a mile first. And something had happened - jogging was EASY! No more wheezing or cramps or concrete legs - it was just ok. I only jogged one mile though so I wouldn't ruin it by pushing too far. And six months later I was running at least 4 miles a day and sometimes up to 10.

There are a few things I learned about running from that:

One - You have to walk before you run. Even though I hate walking it enables me to get into running so easily. When people tell me they've tried running but hated it - I wonder if they hadn't walked for a month first if their experience would have been different. And ANYONE can walk. So I have learned to really appreciate walking. I still get impatient but I know the only path to running begins with walking. And I know that with just a few weeks of it I'll be ready to go. I'm right in the middle of that now and I'm buzzing with excitement.

Two - While your old running shoes from years ago that you've been wearing with your jeans might be ok for a few runs - meaning like 3 - they could ultimately lead to your demise with running. The padding in them has been so compacted from wearing them for years that your body is taking the full brunt when it hits the concrete. Get some new shoes - nothing too expensive unless you know your feet have problems or something like that. And replace them about every six months. AND don't wear them for anything but running because that will just accelerete the compaction. AND get them at least one size bigger. I had always gotten my shoes right at my size and laced them up tight. Which meant that by the end of the run my toes were all curled up and the shoes were unbearably tight. Your feet expand while you run and need some room for that - don't worry, you won't get blisters! I have more to say about shoes but I'll save that for another post.

Three - You need to make a plan before you walk out that door. In fact, I'd say even before that. Finishing your runs well often takes every ounce of will power that you've got, so before you go you need to know how far and how fast you are planning to go. If you say to yourself, "I'm just gonna see how it goes and take it from there", then you won't get very far. I remember when Mike and I were training for our half marathon together we would usually do our long runs on a certain well marked path. But one Saturday I was bored and decided we should just run around town for a change of scenery. And while change is good, we wandered aimlessly around the streets of Provo and we felt terrible. We had no direction - no goal to work towards. Know how far, how fast and in what direction you are going to run and stick to it! I always make little charts that I can log my runs on and hang it on the fridge or by the back door. It is a key to my success.

Four - Even with preparation running is HARD. Taking it slow and easing into your mileage will make it a lot easier but in the end, almost every single run is hard. I thought eventually that getting out the door and hitting the pavement would be easy but it never was. It definitely got easier as it became part of my life but each and every run took serious will power. I have
memories of crying through my runs because I just wanted to quit so bad. Those usually happened to coincide with my cycle though. I have A LOT more to say about this but that also needs to be in another post.

Five - Running is rewarding. Not only will your mood improve significantly when you go running, but your life will. I remember hearing a story about a man who went to see his Bishop and said he wanted to leave his wife. The Bishop recommended that they start running - together. And it saved their marriage. There were more details to it but I totally believe that story. Running is hard and requires you to put your body in subjection to your spirit. It requires discipline and commitment. All things which I saw translate into the rest of my life making me a better wife, mother, & friend.

And that is why I run. I feel like running has been a gift in my life and plan on doing it as long as I can. And I am constantly trying to spread the gospel of running. So, anyone wanting to get into running? Let's do a race together this fall!

On being embarrassed while walking/running

Today I went out for my second 1 mile walk. Today I took it faster - 17:17 - and even though that is slow it kicked my trash. I wasn't breathing heavy but I did get a cramp making it feel like I couldn't take a deep breath. My legs felt like cement and were itchy too. But the hardest part was my embarrassment while out. My clothes are tight and my misshapen body is clearly visible because of that. There was a moment today when a young guy was out washing his car and I had to walk right past him when I wanted to start strolling or something just to not draw attention to myself. And then I thought, "I can worry about what the people I see today think about me or I can get working on a body that I don't have to be embarrassed of." And it worked - I walked past him - arms pumping and all. And it worked on the next person I saw standing in their lawn and watching me. And the guy who drove past and stared at me. Most likely, there was nothing else to look at but me. But even if they were thinking, "Hey, fat lady." and even if I never see them again and get to prove that I'm not really someone who is always fat but that I just had a baby - who the heck cares? Just get working.

First walk down.

So I went for my one mile walk yesterday. I wore Mike's GPS so I could know exactly how fast and how far I was going. And even though I took it at a complete stroll pace - meaning a 25 minute mile - I was so tired at the end. I didn't break a sweat and I didn't breathe heavy in any way - but my body was beat at the end. Isn't that sad? While I was out I walked past a building with a bunch of windows and I could see my reflection. I didn't even recognize myself. I was totally caught off guard by my size. And then later I had to wait to cross the street as some college girls drove by and I was so embarrassed of my size. I wanted to wear a shirt that had my story on there to excuse myself. I can't do that though so I have to get in gear and get rid of it. So, I think next time I'm gonna need to pick the pace up a bit so that I am ready to jog a mile in a few weeks. Though if I go really fast - like a 12 or 13 minute mile walk - that's harding than jogging.

And of course my bleeding started up a little bit, but I don't care. My body will just have to get used to it. I don't have any time to spare.

The dive and glide

I grew up down the street from the neighborhood swimming pool and have many memories of swimming and diving and general playing in the pool. In particular we kids would always challenge others to swim the length of the pool without taking a breath. I always prided myself on the fact that I could do it but I had a secret strategy. It was all about the dive. If you could dive in and glide really far without using much energy the rest of the pool was a cinch. If you had to start right in the water without any momentum the job was a lot harder.

After pregnancy those first few weeks are kind of like that dive. I always lose a lot of weight in that time and it gets me going so I can lose the rest. I also never really know how much extra fat I have to lose and how much was just water weight until that time. I remember after having Elijah - where I gained like 60 pounds - I lost 33 pounds in that first three weeks. With Andrew it was less but only because I only gained 36 pounds total - which was great for me. So this time I was anxious to see how much I could lose with the dive and glide. I was hoping to get to 169. That was probably a VERY unrealistic goal since that would have been like 40 pounds. It started ok - as you can see on my chart. But it must have been a bad dive because at about 2 weeks postpartum I stopped gliding. In the past 2 weeks my weight hasn't gone anywhere which means it's time to accept that I weight in the 180's - my Dad's weight when he's feeling too heavy - and get working. It's hard to accept but hopefully I can get swimming well enough to get my momentum going again so I don't have to accept that weight for too long....50 pounds to go!

Wish me luck!

Fat Blogger Gets Famous!

It seems someone else thought blogging would be a good way to chronicle weight loss...
This guy lost an amazing amount of weight and blogged about it all. The only problem is that it isn't as interesting to me now because he's done - that seems like a good reason to open this blog up to everyone I know. Still, here are some of his tips:

Fact Box
Muata Kamdibe's Tips

1. Calories count! If anyone tells you differently, keep your hand on your wallet and back away slowly. Feed your brain to lose the weight. Educate yourself about the weight-loss process to create your own way of eating.
2. Establish a realistic plan to accomplish your goals. Having an epiphany that you need to lose weight is not enough.
3. Lie to everyone else about your weight if you'd like, but there is no room for lying to yourself anymore.
4. Read both sides of the debate about saturated fat and cholesterol. There's more than enough information available to make an informed decision about a diet that is good for you.
5. If you can't do 20 strict form push-ups and chin-ups, then you shouldn't think about touching one dumbbell. Bodyweight exercises are enough to build the body that 90 percent of the fat guys and their women really want!

Well, I guess I'll go post about this on my other blog....here we go!

Well, I've started on my slimfast. I actually really like it because it takes the thinking out of the whole thing and it helps me remember how little I actually need to eat. I also use their website for motivation and more tips.

I've also come up with my running schedule to get me going. I love making charts and can't wait to get started with this one. Because I can't run before 6 weeks postpartum I'll be walking short distances for a few weeks. I am so out of shape that's the best way to start running anyhow. Here it is(click on it to see it larger):
In the bottom half of each box is the distance I'd like to go - and in the top half I fill in what I actually did that day. This is my first 6 weeks and I'm going to do it first thing in the morning to burn more fat. I also included a quote and some upcoming races to keep me focused and motivated. After a while I will choose a race to set as a goal and I'll let you all know about that.

Wow.

A few months back Mike and I were watching that show The Biggest Loser and I remember that there were some girls on there towards the end of season who were so happy with the weight they had lost and what they had achieved. I couldn't help thinking, "Well, gee, they're still like 185 pounds - they're still totally fat." I forgot about that until today.

I went to Target to get some clothes to fit into so I could stop wearing my maternity pants. While I was in the fitting room I happened to glance at my reflection in the mirror behind me. You know the kind of dressing room that has a mirror in front of you and behind so you can see your whole outfit? Well, that was the kind. And what did I see? Well, all I could say to myself was, "Wow." There in the mirror was one of those girls from TBL! And then I realized that I do now weigh in the 180's just like they did. And then I realized that if I was on that show that I would be one of those fat women pulling tires up the hill in all of their sick obesity. I was and still am flabbergasted. I had no idea what I had become. It was like seeing a stranger in the mirror. I came out feeling a little dazed and every few minutes I found myself uttering, "Wow." again under my breath. And thus it begins.

I went for a walk today and tonight I ate some celery with raisins and peanut butter instead of the cookies Mike made. I have 50 pounds to lose. Wow. Guess I better get started. What is the fastest that one can lose weight after having a baby? Is it possible to lose 50 pounds in like 4 months?

~Megan

p.s. I got size 16 pants - not size 14. Gee.

p.p.s. No, I do not think that girl in the photo is fat - I just couldn't find one of a girl before the show was over and they are still chubby.

Day 9 - 185 lbs.

So, this morning I put on some size 12 jeans - and they are way too small. But I didn't take them off - I'm just sitting here in front of the computer in a ridiculously tight pair of jeans. I'm not going anywhere so I figured it was ok. For some reason I like to do that to myself when I'm losing weight. It's almost like a reminder of how far I am from where I need to be. In this case I have to take it in smaller steps since size 12 is NOT where I normally like to be. But it feels like a slightly normal size when a size 14 or 16 is really getting into darker territory. I won't be happy until I am in a size 6. Now when I say, "happy" I don't mean happy - I mean satisfied with my weight. I'm pretty happy now - besides the fact that I'm crazy because of my changing hormones.

I wonder what the measurement differences are between a size 14 and a size 6. Hmm...

So I went and looked it up at GAP - since I usually wear and like their jeans the best. Here's the skinny - pun kind of intended...

So , let's see...

I have 5 .5 or 6 inches to lose on my hips - maybe more...and 6 inches on my waist - now I know this isn't right since I've got my "empty house" - a new term I learned for a postpartum belly. But those are some starting figures just to think about.


Since it has only been just over a week since the surgery, I am still not able to drive - let alone exercise. I am thinking in the next couple weeks I will start taking small slow walks. Then eventually get to my running. Until then...

Worst Nightmare

I always wonder if photojournalists get permission to take pictures of people like this. They aren't showing their head but I'm pretty sure if I saw a photo of me like that I'd know it was me.

It's one of my worst nightmares that I'd be looking through the news or watching a report on CNN on fat people and they are showing all of these big bums and I say "Hey, I have that bag!" or "I actually have some jeans like that." When all of a sudden it hits me that IT IS my bag or my jeans...and MY big bum!





Especially with this lady - yes, she's big, but give her a break - she's working on it! I am afraid my postpartum body will be worthy of one of these "obesity reports" that sport pictures like these.






Though this lady is committing double jeopardy holding that cigarette. They can use this photo for articles on obesity, smoking, or ones that talk about both...she really was asking for it.

Day Zero - 4 weeks left of pregnancy

Well, I've still got 4 weeks left and yet I've already hit the big number. I was hoping to finish at this to have a really clean number to start my descent from but alas...it may not happen. I think I'm actually 197 or something so perhaps I can keep it right around 200 still. The doctor told me today that the baby seems to be around 6 lbs. so I can at least count on losing that much! Actually, I don't think I'll really know what I'm dealing with until about 3 weeks after the baby is born. I usually shed quite a bit of weight until then and at that point it starts a much slower decent. I am excited though. For some reason I don't feel too depressed at this point. Well, most days I don't. I'm just sick of heaving my body around - trying to turn over in bed or to squat to look under the couch looking for little shoes. I am kind of excited for the journey I have ahead. Kind of like before a marathon. I am nervous but still confident that it can be done. And what exactly needs to be done, you ask? Well, my healthy weight, if I am exercising, is 130 lbs. on the dot. If I want to be HOT, you ask? I need to be 120-125 lbs. We'll start with 130 and go from there.

Now, on the subject of weighing 200 lbs. If someone had told me I was EVER going to weight that much - EVER in my life, unless I was having triplets or something, I wouldn't have believed them. Or maybe I would have believed but I would have been completely HORRIFIED. But when my weight just kept coming it was almost like I was in some sort of place where I couldn't feel depressed - I'm just too tired to get that worked up about it, I guess. I also didn't know it would be so easy to get to that weight. At the beginning of my pregnancy I was talking to a friend who had just had a baby and she told me she was weighing at around 210 when the baby was born - nearly 80 lbs. overweight. I was so flabbergasted that I just burst into laughter. I couldn't imagine someone my size weighing that incredible weight! And now, here I am! I was a little hesitant to share my real weight on here because I know some of you will be like me and think, "WOW! How on earth!?" but oh well, I laughed and now I will let you laugh too. And, it's not that interesting to read about a fat mom running off her weight if you don't know what that weight is! I am going to try and make this blog as candid as possible. Notice though, that this first picture is not a full body shot and it's taken from the side - I guess I'm not completely ready to put it all out there yet.

In any case, I'll update you with my final pregnancy weight in a few weeks. After that, this blog can really get going. So hold tight and come back in about a month and join me in my journey!